Hi Mommy,

Happy Happy Happy Happy Birthday Mommy; I am so sorry that I cannot be back in New York to celebrate your 50th birthday with you, but I know you understand. You are awesome like that, understanding why I had to move away and why it is so difficult to get back even when I want nothing more than to see you.

So I racked my brain trying to think of what to get you, and everything just seemed…bleh. I know you would have loved anything I got you, but I wanted it to be something special. Then I realized, after our talk the other day, that the best gift I could give you was letting you in. I know we talk almost everyday, and I tell you almost everything, but the one thing I never let you near was my writing. It was so personal and I was afraid of hurting you, but then I realized that by not letting you read was also hurting you. There was this whole part of me you didn’t know, and it isn’t fair. It isn’t fair that you don’t get to know this part of me and I didn’t realize that until a few days ago when you told me about how everyone loved my writing, but that you didn’t know much about it…So here is my blog…my writing is my gift to you as narcissistic as it may seem hehehe, but I know you get it.

I also sent you a dozen roses. To the world it doesn’t seem much, but roses mean a lot to our family….Well to grandma, you and myself…

They are an assortment, a rainbow really…I hope hehehe, because when I think of you Momma I don’t see you in black and white. You are colorful, and vibrant, and even though I’ve spent so many years fighting back my personal darkness, you were the first person to teach me how to love the colors of the world. You taught me unconditional love, and passion, and when I think of roses I think of you. That is why roses are my favorite, because they are your favorite Momma. Because roses are you.

There is a single white rose in the bunch…That’s me…. I know I don’t say it, but I’m thankful that you brought me into this world. In a few weeks I’m going to be 25, and there were times that I didn’t think I would make it, but I did. I did because there is something deep inside of me that is just inherently you. Fiery, stubborn, passionate. I have a college degree Momma, and I know sometimes you think I think I’m above you because of that degree, but Momma the majority of the things I know of this world I learned from you. I still learn from you everyday, and I am so grateful you are with me as I try to figure out this world.

I know I’ve hurt you many times. It hurts knowing I made you cry, but I think I always knew that even if I hurt you, you would always fight for me, always stand in front of a train for me, because I was your baby girl. I am your jelly-bean, and no matter how bad it got, you would always hold me for as long as I needed to be held. I’m blessed Momma. You make me blessed and as much as I know leaving New York was the best thing I could ever do for myself, leaving you was harder than I ever thought possible. I know I don’t show it often, heck half the time I’m pushing you out the door, but I will always need you Mommy.

So here is my blog I asked you never to read. There is a lot of pain here, and joy, and craziness that you may not understand, but this is me. This is where I show the world what you have created….and now they can turn to you and lynch you instead of me hehehe.

I hope in 50 years I’ll be writing you another letter for your 100th birthday, complaining about how you are going to stick around forever just to piss me off. And you will be surrounded by those who love you, because I love you with all of my heart and I am grateful that you are my mother, that you are one of my best friends, and that you are my protector. I can’t ever imagine a world without you in it, so even though it took me 25 years to remember your birthday, know that I will never ever let the world forget about you. I love you. Happy Birthday.