3am

I wish I could explain better what it feels like,
the euphoria of 3am as I bounce around a room
unable to be bounced.
Two feet here, two feet there,
and you’ve gone the length of the space
and yet I bounce. 
I bounce and I move and I curse
curse the edge of the bed I just hit,
and I know I just had that paper,
where did I put it,
there is my ring,
what was I doing?
gotta finish the laundry
why isn’t this lined up,
have to line it up.
Crap, need to make the bed,
but first I need to organize this bin.
Easier, yes, on a clean bed,
it looks easier,
maybe.
Is it too late to throw a load of wash in?
I wish I could paint these ceilings.
But no paint.
No money.
Stores are closed.
I can wait til 6, or 9.
Might be tired by then.
Ah, the paper.
What did I need it for?
I’ll add it to the pile.
Gotta organize that,
and my drawers.
What makes a mistake beautiful?
Shit I lost my bracelet again.
I know, I know the answer,
but did I take my medicine?
I hate medicine.
I’m fine.
No I have to take it.
Does it really work?
I could take it all,
and finally sleep.
Have to make the bed first.
What is that sound?
The roaring in my ears.
Oh, it’s just my blood.
Does anyone else find that both annoying and soothing?
The sound of blood rushing through our bodies.
The human body is incredible.
What it does, how it changes.
What it is made up of.
I am afraid to say that I love my scars.
That’s a thing. Scarification.
I like it.
Two birds one stone type of deal,
which is why I don’t do it.
Unless you count tattoos,
which I mean I love my tattoos.
They tell stories.
I should finish that chapter.
What time is it?
3:05.
Goddamn corner of the bed.
It’s too late to take my medications.
I’ll be groggy and I hate being groggy.
Drugged.
Shit, I have to do the paperwork.
Where did I put that paper again?
There’s my notebook.
Maybe I can write down what I’m feeling
so maybe I can finally turn the radio down,
the one in my head you see,
and sleep.
Finally, explain who I talk to all the time,
it’s always my voice that answers,
like now,
in this room.
At 3am.
I can do laundry.
First, need to finish this bed
and organize this bin.
Are the doors locked?
How about the window?
Is my car locked?
Dammit, where are my keys?
I have control.
I’m in control.
Deep breath.
Okay the beeps went off.
Okay, okay.
The laundry can be done tomorrow.
There are the papers, fax them now.
Then brush teeth, wash face.
Shit have to shave my head.
Okay do it quick.
We got this, we got this.
See it’s only 3:15.
If we finish then we can be in bed by 4,
up by 9.
And no one will know.
No one cares to know.
It’s okay.
You are okay.

Fuck….

where is that paper?

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