It feels cold in your grip.
The same as it was yesterday.
The same way it will be tomorrow.
The sound registers after the pain.
You’d think it would be before.
The sound of the bones in my hand creaking,
and then the pop of fluid.
The sound is delayed.
It should be first.
But it’s always pain.
You can do this.
I can feel the bite of the morning air.
It hurts my teeth.
But I have to breathe.
Nothing is different.
Just let go.
Just walk away.
Okay, okay, okay.
You just need to release your hand.
Nothing bad will happen if you let go.
You turned everything off inside.
You are not crazy.
This is a symptom
Fuck, it didn’t sound right.
No, no it was fine…
Right, you can let go, just release one finger.
You are hurting.
Your teeth hurt
Your hand hurts
Just let go.
Motherfucker we don’t have time for this, again.
Get your shit together,
this is pathetic
You. Are. Pathetic.
Can you imagine what people must think?
You are now late.
Just Let GO
*Pound, pound, pound
the word just sounds like the impact
you are so used to that there are bruises on your hand.
Bruises to meet the self-hatred.
The judgment you place upon yourself,
for daring to be in this situation again.
You are worthless.
AHHHH JUST LET GO YOU LOSER!
You do just that many other days!
What is so special about today?
Nothing! Nothing is different!
You took your meds.
You have all of your stuff.
Just let go!
The burn I feel in my throat,
is the cost of holding back tears.
Because it’s now after 9 am.
And I’m late again.
Doubt, ruminations, worst-case scenarios
I’m just as much a hostage
As this doorknob in my rapidly numbing hand.
I’m not a loser, I swear it…
for spending a half hour at the door.
Twisting it back and forth, to hear that it is locked.
I can feel it.
But I have to know.
I have to just know.
I’ll know…the right click…
To let go……