A Lesson in Letting Go

One

It feels cold in your grip.
Cold…and smooth.
The same as it was yesterday.
The same way it will be tomorrow.
Always cold.
Always smooth.
Always cold.
Click.

Two

The sound registers after the pain.
You’d think it would be before.
The sound of the bones in my hand creaking,
and then the pop of fluid.
The sound is delayed.
It should be first.
But it’s always pain.
Click.

Three

You can do this.
I can feel the bite of the morning air.
It hurts my teeth.
But I have to breathe.
Nothing is different.
Just let go.
Just walk away.
Click.

Four

Okay, okay, okay.
You just need to release your hand.
It’s simple.
Nothing bad will happen if you let go.
You turned everything off inside.
You are not crazy.
This is a symptom
Click.

Five

Fuck, it didn’t sound right.
No, no it was fine…
Right, you can let go, just release one finger.
You are hurting.
Your teeth hurt
Your hand hurts
Just let go.
Click.

Six

Motherfucker we don’t have time for this, again.
Get your shit together,
this is pathetic
You. Are. Pathetic.
Can you imagine what people must think?
You are now late.
Just Let GO
Click

Seven

*Pound, pound, pound
the word just sounds like the impact
you are so used to that there are bruises on your hand.
Bruises to meet the self-hatred.
The judgment you place upon yourself,
for daring to be in this situation again.
You are worthless.
Click

Eight

AHHHH JUST LET GO YOU LOSER!
You do just that many other days!
What is so special about today?
Nothing! Nothing is different!
You took your meds.
You have all of your stuff.
Just let go!
Click.

Nine

The burn I feel in my throat,
is the cost of holding back tears.
Because it’s now after 9 am.
And I’m late again.
Doubt, ruminations, worst-case scenarios
I’m just as much a hostage
As this doorknob in my rapidly numbing hand.
Click.

Ten

I’m not a loser, I swear it…
for spending a half hour at the door.
Twisting it back and forth, to hear that it is locked.
I can feel it.
But I have to know.
I have to just know.
I’ll know…the right click…
To let go……

………………………..click.

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