A/N: The following is from a TMI Project workshop at NYAPRS 2018 in NY. We were given three prompts…I chose “I Hate to Brag”

“I Hate to Brag”

I hate to brag but I’m really good at killing myself…

I pop open my eyes in the morning and it’s the first thing I do before I get out of bed.
I do it when I take my medicine.
I do it when I’m showering.
At work, I’m killing myself while laughing with my co-workers.

I’m ashamed at not feeling ashamed about it.
I should,
but I don’t.

It’s how I live a life that is more than just surviving.
My life is filled with violence and self-cruelty and this,
this is how I save myself from my mind.
I kill myself to live.

I die a thousand times,
in a thousand ways,
and it’s okay.

It’s okay because each death teaches me the beauty of it all.
How beautiful stare are.
How wonderful my friend’s smile is.
How to recognize my own laughter.

It’s a hard thing to do,
to die these many deaths.
To not think I’m insane,
or wrong.

People hate me for it.
Put me down and call me selfish.

But…I think they are just afraid.
Afraid of what it means.
But it’s okay.

I’m okay.