#4: My Sistah

note: I know I’m still 3 days behind, I”m working on it.

To my beautiful Sistah,

It’s your birthday today. I’m sorry I didn’t call but I don’t have a number to reach you. It wouldn’t be the first birthday I haven’t been able to hear your voice, or tell you myself Happy Birthday, but that doesn’t matter right now. I just hope your day is amazing, you deserve it. I wish I could be there to celebrate with you.

We don’t talk much anymore, not that we really talked all that much in the past, but I haven’t heard your voice since New Years. Before that it was the summer party that you left from without saying goodbye. I didn’t get to see you before I left for Iowa. It hurts sometimes; you are my only sister, and I pretty much worship the ground you stand on. So it hurts knowing you are out in the world, and not knowing much else. Reminds me of when I was little, and you were torn from me. I don’t think I could count the nights I cried myself to sleep because I missed you so much. I didn’t even know if you were alive and safe. It’s a terrible feeling to experience; I’m sure you went through something similar.

Our Oprah moment is still one of my most favorite memories. I hold tightly to that day when I’m overwhelmed from missing you. Seeing your face for the first time in almost 10 years is something I won’t ever forget. Do you realize how much I love you? I would do almost anything you wanted me to, because you are my sister, and are one of the few people on this planet that I love absolutely. For a person who struggles with feelings so much, I know exactly what I feel for you.

Sometimes it scares me, because I’m sure that if you asked me to kill someone for you, I would. It’s almost too much, how much I love you. I struggle to find the proper words to explain it to you. So understand when I tell you how much of a hole your absence in my life puts in my heart, just how deeply I feel that pain. I’m left feeling bitter, angry, confused, and wholly abandoned. We have our own lives to lead, I know this. I mean, I moved across the country. But I am still your sister. I will always be there for you. To listen to your fears, and tell you when you are being a doofus, or need to pull yourself together. I should be one of the people who is told when you are going through something major.

But I’m not. I’m left out. It fucking sucks.

But I’m still here. I wish you everything good in this world. I wish you laughter, and good friends, and warmth. You can’t get those things if you don’t open yourself to them hun, but I will never stop wishing them for you. All of the world is right in front of you if you just let it happen. Let those in your life love you for who you truly are, and not what you are told that you are.

But I’m ranting, and this serious conversation is best left for another day. It’s just…it’s your birthday. Although I am 1200 miles away, I’m celebrating your life today. My life is better with you in it, and so is this world, and I celebrate this day because you came into the world today. In a few years I would have followed, but my life was better the second I was born, because you were already in this world.

So my dahling sister. I love you. Happy birthday. I hope to hear from you soon.



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