Insanity

She made me feel, made me believe, that I was the abusive one.
“Why are you always on the phone?”
“Can you please just spend time with just me?”
“I’m not comfortable with your friends.”
“I don’t think you are a good person around him.”
“You are treating me like crap.”
“You are my wife. Let your friends take care of themselves.”
“You are always about him. All you talk about is Alex.”
“Why is he texting you that he want you in his arms?”

You made me believe that I was controlling you, suffocating you, mistreating you, abusing you. That I was abusing the trust between us, that I was the reason we were failing. I was the reason you were going elsewhere. You left me alone and wondering if I was truly horrible and cruel and vindictive. That I was paranoid and abusive.

And then he did the same thing. Made me believe I was in the wrong. That he didn’t want to get in the middle of it but I was pushing you away. He would ignore my presence for hours, and talk only to you or Krystal. You made me believe he was uncomfortable with me. He would tell me it was all in my head when your back was turned. That he wanted to be friends, and that he was there for me. That I needed help because it was in my head that he wanted to be with you. That he was in love with you. He only loved Krystal. He wanted to be with her. But I heard his cruelty towards her when you weren’t around, and his cruelty towards you.

But he smiled at you. Leaned on you. Told you he needed you when I was crying alone in our room, wondering how I was abusive towards you. Lied about the times we talked. Would take you out of rooms where I was sitting with you, because you asked me to give everyone chances. But I wasn’t allowed, because I was intruding on your time. But when it was our time he could burst into our room, into our bed.

Our bed you promised was only our bed. But that it was just a bed. That I was placing importance on unimportant things. That I was hurting you, driving you crazy, because I was jealous. But you never heard his jealousy when you were with me. With Krystal. You treated sex as if it was nothing between us. You made me feel so violated by your touch, by your lips, and blamed me when I said something was wrong. You violated our bed with him, with her, and told me sex with them meant nothing. Sex means nothing.

And all the while I thought I was the abusive one. He said it. Krystal said it. He kept pushing. He heard me sobbing and said, “I knew I should have gotten up and come to check on you but I didn’t want to.” He overheard me saying I felt like I was losing my mind. I told him I felt like I was going to die. He told me you loved me. That he knew you wanted me, that I was what you wanted, but that you and him didn’t really talk about relationships.

And he smiled at me, and told me he got over his jealousy and I was just doing that. Being jealous. And I bought it, and ate up all his words because you made me feel like I was the abusive one. The wrong one.

And you told me to lean on him. The man who was toying with me. The man who knew I was suicidal and didn’t care. The man who has admitted he was glad when I was gone because I was in the way. The man who admitted to wanting to hurt Krystal in anyway possible.

And he did. And you fed into it, and believed his lies and believed his smile and blamed me for my tears and my heartache and my insecurities. You told me to not talk to your friends if they were messing with my head, but you didn’t believe they were. And you turned a blind eye now to the abuse that still goes on because you’d rather believe the lie. Believe the games.

I once thought you were the kind of person who saw the good in people and fought for that. Now I see you are just the person who sees what they want to see, basks in those who enable you because you don’t want to admit that those that enable you manipulate you so they can get what they want too. And you give it so willingly, at the cost of anything, because I wasn’t the one.

I wasn’t the one who abused you. You were terrified because I was right so you let your friends beat me down, drag me down, drive me to suicide, so you wouldn’t have to face that you also were complicit in my death.

I was the woman you, and Alex, and Krystal, drove to insanity, and blamed her for it.

But you are a better person for it, as you said.

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