A Moment

When I was in high school I took a college psychology course. Your basic 101 course etc etc. I was struggling in my other classes, although it did not directly show in my grades, because I was bored out of my mind. I struggled to be around the noise of my classmates. I struggled with the speed in which my thoughts were racing. I was inundated with fluctuating hormones, societal expectations, and an inability to quiet my mind.
In said course I learned about the theory of the id, the ego, and the super-ego. Or, as I liked to put them, as me, myself and I. It fascinated me. It still fascinates me. This multi-faceted existence.

I bring this up because I had a hard week. Despite the social distancing, I was constantly inundated with the sounds of multiple phones going off, electronic voices in meetings, irrational ramblings, very real results of this pandemic…and my own mind struggling to center itself.

It felt as if my skin was trying to crawl off my own body. Noise, light, touch, smell….everything was too much. My mind was erratic and desperate to qualm a sudden, turbulent sea of emotions and thoughts. I was angry at the smallest thing. There was no room for laughter or brevity as I fought a very real situation for myself, despite it not being outwardly visible.

It took two days…two days of pain, medicine, sleep, anger, defeat, and acceptance. Two days of soft clothes, and hours of distraction. Two days of pretending all was well, and regulated breathing.

Because I wanted to give in to fear, and irrationality. That basic human instinct of lashing out at what hurts or scares us. But shame, self-hatred, and pride fought back against in. The super-logical, calculated part of myself that demands the basic into a corner and shut-down. These two facets have never played nice, and have caused me a lot of grief and struggle of the years.

It was myself that ended up refereeing the matches and refusing to declare the winner. Without me or I looking, myself knocked them both out with time and kindness. It taught that super-ego humility and apology, and the id patience and understanding.

It was a rough week for us all. To those outside of this, it may sound incredibly insane. But what is life, if not organized chaos?

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