Days 35, 36 and 37: Why? Because I can…and because I might be slightly pissed off at myself…

So I might be cheating a little bit. But you know what? I’m the writer so I can…meh…

Actually it’s just that the last 5 days have gloriously blurred together that I didn’t realize it was Saturday until a second ago. The sad part of that? I was awake when Saturday began.

So where do I start? I slept away much of day 35, leaving me with nothing to really talk about except work, which should be incredibly boring to write about… if all hell hadn’t broken loose this week. I blame Tuesday. My schedule was thrown off and I have been off kilter ever since.

Just one week…it’s all I ask for…one week where things are so boring that I grasp for straws on how to describe my day.  But noooooooo

Alarms ringing, and then failing miserably…things breaking, bosses on edge, co-workers grumbling about getting beat out of over-time hours (totally not my fault that I am here all the time so I get first pick of the over-time hours), companies switching  over….

Actually my life is pretty sweet if you really think about it. There are thousands without jobs, so I can’t really complain…

I get the rare privilege of turning down job offers…like the Baltimore one. I’m not sure if I wrote about it, but considering I have only posted like twice this week I’m sure I haven’t….

I got the Baltimore position…and I get the pain of turning it down because I literally would not make enough money to survive. Any type of saving I could save would be gone by January and I would still have another 6 months of surviving to do.

I mean I might be able to make it work….possible…if I sold my car, and my Xbox, some of my rarer books, my keyboard and my guitar. (mind you…all of these things sans the car were gifts to me…and I would kill myself first before ever selling my now 112 year old books).

I might be able to survive on all of that, working over 40 hours a week and living in a house with people I had never met before.

Honestly I really want to do it. If I won that big lotto thing the country freaked out about then I would be able to and all would be right in my world (monetarily wise), but I didn’t buy a ticket. I bought dinner instead.  But its 200 dollars a month and my car payment itself is $185. I wouldn’t be able to afford car insurance. I could sell my car once I got there, and that would free up some cash, but that is if I’m able to sell my car for what is left on my loan. And then I’d be in Baltimore, without a car, working for $200 a month.

I truly want too; damn I really want too….

But I can’t figure the finances. I’ve tried every which way, but it would depend on whether I can get these credit cards gone…if I could get my student loans deferred again…all on ifs and maybes…and one wrong step, one miscalculation, and I’m screwed.

I hate money…I hate money and all that is associated with it.

My family thinks I should stay in Corn-country, get my masters, and find a real career. I tried and failed at helping the world, so it’s time to grow up.

I went to Corn-country, instead of Detroit like I wanted to, in order to appease the people in my life. I feel like I’m always fucking appeasing the world around me. Don’t do this, do that. Go here not there…why the hell do you want to write, you won’t make money.

But that is my life. Writing is my life. Wandering is my life. I have no goddamn answers to the riddles of my life and I’m the only person who is fucking okay with that!

Maybe I should calm down a bit…I really wanted that job…but I can’t take anything less than $450 a month. In a year, if I play my cards right, I could do it. I could work my ass off and find a cheaper car, or get rid of all my credit card debt so all my money goes towards my car…and my student loans…but I could do it I think. In a year I could save up enough to survive on nothing and be happy. But a year changes someone…

I think I’m scared to be in Iowa for another year, even though this year is flying by…I mean it’s almost April. I didn’t realize that until my boss told me his plans for April Fool’s Day. I’ve been pranking him for a week, but that is because he made me work day shift…but let’s keep that between us.

In 3 months I will be here for a year. My birthday is not long after that…I’ll reach 25 surrounded by corn. What will I have to show for it?

The last 3 days have just been depressing since I was offered the position.

1 year….I could do this in one year. Save up enough money to pay for my car payment for a full year…be rid of all credit debt…get a lower car-insurance rate…maybe even another hair cut. I could.

Ever have those angels on those shoulders helping you with the pros and cons of your life? Well the little angel and devil? Both of mine are sobbing right now, because I realistically know what I should do…and they both hate it.

Hate it because I’ve spent my life doing what I should do. I got the good grades; I made it through 9 schools, all with honors and accolades. I made everyone so fucking proud. I played the role I was given. Even had people beaming for leaving a well-paying job because I was going to help people, and here I am…not doing what I want to because logically I know that wanting doesn’t mean a damn thing in today’s world, because I am not like these token kids changing the world with brilliant ideas or making a million by the time I’m 14.

I’m lost. I’m that bright future with no direction and I’m pissed off.  I’m pissed off because I know this world owes me nothing…my wants mean nothing.

The thunderstorm that raged outside my window on day 36 did little to adjust my mood. I’m just angry…I’m angry at feeling like I’m fighting for nothing. That no matter what I do I still achieve nothing. I’m failing and I’m pissed off and I want this damn job because I think it will give me more than I could give it, and I know I will do what is practical because for as whimsical as I am I will choose what I should do, even if I don’t agree with it.

I hate myself for it…just because it is right doesn’t mean it is right and this isn’t right. This isn’t right and it hurts….

Day 37 is just a day of regrets. Working a double shift and donating plasma and overall just regretting that I will do what is practical, instead of going out on the limb…because I’m a coward…because I’m realistic…because this is what I do.

And one day I know I will explode…or implode. Ironically, I think that is what I’m working so hard for…that day when I say screw you to practicality…screw you to societal responsibility, and just go. Just fucking go…….

3 more days and we hit day 40….and on day 37 I learned more about myself than I ever thought possible… I have to make a decision on day 41, whether to go to Baltimore or stay in Iowa…or go to Harlem (another place I applied to).

I haven’t been this angry with myself in a long time…it’s unnerving.

I’m lucky…I have choices…others don’t. According to this world…I am lucky…

I’d rather be unfortunate….

Question of the day:

What do you desire?

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