Days 38 and 39: Muddled Mind

“It doesn’t necessarily matter what you have in life, you will still aspire for more… We are human and humans aren’t perfect…Life isn’t perfect and you can’t wait for it because it will never happen” paraphrasing my awesome co-worker.

Life is a learning experience all the way to the jumping off point, whether it is one minute from now, or 50 years from now. A flash of selfishness, unadulterated anger; the bitter sting of humility…fear…experiences that can exist at the same time and yet they all are lessons if we allow them to be.

I’m naïve, and selfish. I know these things as plain as day about myself. But I have to be, at times, because survival sometimes means being what you hate, in order to become someone you can love…or at least tolerate.

No…it doesn’t…who decided life is to be this thing. Who decided that it was better to settle for the lesser of two evils? Who made that okay? Why can’t we say no to both and work towards something that isn’t evil? Just putting that out there.

I don’t want the house, and the picket fence. I’ve hated the American Dream since I was first told what it was. Material items are just that, material. They fade, they break, they get lost, they are not necessary. Food, shelter, sensible clothing…these are necessary, because the more that I am looking for isn’t more money, or more stuff….

I think my more is freedom. I feel trapped in this world. Trapped by societal propaganda and perspectives when really none of it matters; each day is a learning experience. Each day is my opportunity to learn more about myself, learn more about this world, and the only more I want is more chances to learn. Life isn’t perfect…I’m not waiting for it to be perfect because I learned at an early age that perfection is best left for those who believe wanting has an end.

I’m not asking for perfection in this life. Half the time, I’m not even sure what I am asking for…I just know what I am not asking for. I’m not asking for perfect, or even semi-perfect. Hell, I don’t even think I am asking for happiness. Maybe I’m asking why I have to abide by rules I don’t really believe in.

I just feel like a fool playing a theater game…

All the world’s a stage,
And all the men and women merely players:
They have their exits and their entrances;

I’m a big Shakespeare buff…like own several versions of every single play, poem, in leather back and anthologies and so forth and so on.

I remember the first time I ever saw this passage, (well the first part of this entire passage)…I was in high school. I was reading through the giant Shakespeare anthology we had in the library and I stumbled over the passage and I stopped. All the world’s a stage…

Have you ever watched people? Watch as they go about their days? Coming and going, eating, laughing, crying, smiling, frowning? Ever wonder about their lives? Do you give them fantastical realities? Do you degrade them? I never made up stories for a stranger’s life, but I have watched them. I love theatre, drama, suspense…all the world’s a stage.

We have our exits, and our entrances…

One could say that I’m looking for my exit. I’ve gone through 2 moments in my life where the result would have been my suicide. My brother stopped the first attempt before it started, and Charlatan picked up my phone call the night I made my second choice. It would be a logical progression of thought nonetheless. I suffer from severe bouts of depression; I deal with identity issues, and I live within a society that boasts individualism but frowns upon those whom are actually individuals.

My life is a quandary of the most…boring proportions.

I agree with my co-worker to an extent. I think our lives are spent looking for the next “thing,” whatever it may be. It is easier when you are younger because you know what the next “thing” is…it’s either the next grade, or the next school, college, a job…it is easy to spot a progression. The entrance is being born, and for many the exit is simply death.

I could delve into theory, but then I would have to call my college advisor up and yell at her about how much I hate theory and I hate it even more that my life is a hurricane of theory and what if’s…in which I would get laughed at.

You know…the downfall of working 2nd shift is that by the time I get off of work, the sushi place is closed…

Keep up because this is my mind on an insomnia rebound…

Where was I? Entrances….

I think what I’m looking for in an entrance. Not necessarily a purpose in life, but something that will take me from simply existing, to actually living. I believe there is a difference, although not always distinct. Maybe it is a purpose, a direction, but I miss the activity my life once was made of. The exhausting schedule that never had me doing the same thing twice in a day. Maybe it was because my mind was constantly challenged and my body. I sometimes crumbled under the pressure of it, but those slips left interesting scars and plenty of stories.

Somewhere along the way I had lost the idea of perfection, and I’m grateful, because for Virgo I’m a complete mess, even at the most basic level.

Even the last few days have been crazy. I just can’t seem to bring myself together, and day 39 was no better. I spent day 39 wondering about what more meant. More money, more opportunities, more ..whatever…

I don’t quite understand what more really means, because it doesn’t have a stopping point. There is always something more, more to do, more to say. And then I get even more frustrated…I really do hate theory.

Day 39 has fallen on April Fools day….and I culminated my week of lame jokes by booby-trapping my boss’ office. Nothing too serious, some tape here, some tape there, switched keys on the keyboard…nothing too strenuous.

I think a part of me is unwilling to see day 40 come to fruition. Which is amusing since I’m posting the last two days of my life on day 40. But I don’t think I want this journey to end yet…or maybe I don’t want to let go of what this opportunity has presented to me.

I’m just all over the place right now, my head feels all sorts of fuzzy and jumbled and I know it’s because of the headache that has been threatening to turn into a migraine that I have been nursing for the last 12 hours. I think I’m just going to close my eyes, let myself relax…and let today/tomorrow exist for what it means…

An Entrance…and an Exit.

Question of the Day:

What would you give me as a challenge?

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