Weary

When I was in college, a track teammate and I had a long discussion while I let her use my laundry room and she made me dinner in thanks. We talked about life and what we have seen and we got to talking about relationships. Not just romantic ones, but friendly and so forth, and I said to her that “I tend to become what people need me to be. The good guy, the bad guy. I am what people need me to be in that moment in their lives…”

That conversation has been playing over and over in my head the last few weeks. I got played hard, by people I thought were friends. I was betrayed by those I was told would have my back, and lately all I have met is sharp tongues and pissy attitudes. I have no clue what I did to deserve being treated spitefully, or indifferently…and today I realized I don’t care.

I’m done being what everyone needs me to be. I am not the bad guy. I am not your scapegoat. I am not your punching bag. So for those around me who are angry at some perceived insult, I am not apologizing to you. And although I deserve a few apologies, I will not ask for one.

I once posted about how sometimes the world does not deserve grace. My question is, what does it feel like when it isn’t the world that has earned gracelessness, but yourself?

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