As I have stated in a previous post, my ex-wife cheated on me when we were together. Well cheating is putting it kindly. She slept with her best friend and her best friend’s husband while they were still together. Then she came to Iowa to bring me to Oregon. I then found out she hooked up with one of her other friends, the night she left me alone on her parent’s floor because she wanted to “hang out with her friends.” Today has been a shit day…
Anyway, I spoke to her today about it. I asked her why she lied to me. Why she was so cruel? She is currently dating her now ex-best friend’s ex husband, the same man who she was sleeping with before, during, and after I was in Oregon. She swears they never were in a relationship.
I asked her why I was put through so much mental and emotional abuse by her and the two people she was sleeping with. She said she doesn’t think it was abuse, just a shitty situation. She’s sorry for hurting me, but no one was abusing me. It was just bad decisions that hurt me…..
I was lied to constantly. Made to feel like I was crazy. I felt unsafe. The man my ex is now dating smiled at me, told me about how him and Amanda were just friends, nothing more. Alex hugged me. I was told that the tension was due to me. That I was making it awkward. The same man watched movies with me. I found inappropriate messages from him to my wife. Accused of misremembering what that message said. My ex’s best friend Krystal would lay in bed with me and hold me, even when I told Amanda that I felt uncomfortable with it. I was made to feel stupid for being uncomfortable. If I couldn’t get along with Amanda’s friends, then we could never be together. She told me that these people were my friends. I was told that my instincts were wrong. I was the problem. Everything was fine before, and now after, I was gone.
For months I blamed myself. Thought that it was all in my head. I was on my way to a nervous breakdown. I began thinking that suicide was better than this. To get away from my ex. To get away from him, and his smile. How he always seemed to wait for me to leave. How he apologized so profusely for invading my personal spaces, but smiled because was invading my wife, and smiled to my face because I had no clue. I blamed myself. I thought I was going crazy. What did I do wrong? Why was my wife treating me like she hated me?
We fought a lot. She blamed the fighting. Said we just weren’t compatible. Told me she wanted to be in an open relationship. Wrote me a letter telling me how I was the one she wanted to come home to for the rest of her life. Made me feel disgusting and worthless during sex. Told me if I wanted to spend time with her that I had to ask her just like everyone else. But Alex was going through a rough time. She needed him. She was going through a rough time. She loved me. I was beautiful. I was overreacting. There was no reason to think Alex was unsafe to be around. He’s a good person. She had unprotected sex with both her friend and Alex. She told them to not tell me. She lied about not telling them. She’s no longer friend’s with her best friend. Because she’s in a relationship with her best friend’s ex husband. The same friend she said had a chance with. It doesn’t matter, because it doesn’t have relevance to me.
These people, who put my mind, body and soul in so much danger, and they are irrelevant.
I later was told Alex enjoyed flaunting that he and my wife were fucking behind my back. That my wife told her best friend that they had a shot of being together. My ex made love to me in the same bed she fucked her best friends. Told me that she was always like this. That she just had to be real with me. We weren’t meant to be together. She felt it for a long time. She wanted to try. Everyday she was by Alex’s side.
She says she never abused me.
And if she says so then she must be right.
I just remember it wrong.
3 thoughts on “Abuse Isn’t Abuse If The Abuser Says So”
Trust your gut.
I am so sorry you are going through this. Abuse has the insidious effect of making us feel worthless and crazy, thus opening the door for more abuse. You deserve better. You deserve a relationship that makes you happy. I say this not because I know you (because I don’t), but because you are a person, and every person deserves to be in a mutually fulfilling relationship. You are not obligated to set yourself on fire in order to keep someone else warm.
Relationships should be easy, and bring joy to your life. If they don’t then they’re not right. And bad relationships don’t get better with time, they only get worse.
Thank you for your kindness. It took a long time for me to even listen to words like this, before hearing them, and then accepting them. Thank you