I’ve been awake all night; another beautiful sunrise lost to the tightening ache in my chest. The thump of my heart against my breastbone hurts, and I want nothing more than to sleep. But I can’t. I can’t sleep because my mind goes over the last 8 months. 8 months of lies, of fighting, of excuses and ultimately a break-up. 

My wife cheated on me. To lay some background, I was in Iowa when she first fucked her best friend (most likely in our marital bed), working hard to get to my wife so we could start our new life together in Oregon. I was depressed, sleep-deprived, stressed and alone. I missed her. I missed her, while she was sleeping with her best friend, and her husband.

Now, this isn’t about the fact she cheated on me with a man. He isn’t a man. He’s a coward, but I will get to that.

I recognized that she was pulling away. That, suddenly, her two friends were everything and anything. Phone calls interrupted, cut short, and superficial at best. I expressed my concern; told her about my depression. Told her I missed her. I was told we weren’t communicating well.

My wife cheated on me with two people, and came back to Iowa to get me. We talked. We both wanted to try to make it work. We decided possibly an open relationship, and we drove to Oregon. I had no clue. No clue that the person who was making love to me. Who was telling me she loved me, frauded me. Put my body at risk. I didn’t know the horror that was waiting for me. I thought I was finally home. I listened to my wife’s words of comfort and support. I drank her poison, because she told me it was wine.

But it didn’t sit in my stomach. Something was wrong. Her intimacy with my new roommates was inappropriate. Her touch felt like ice to me. Like I was disgusting. Worthless to love and be around. What was going on? I tried reaching out every which way. Calmly, angrily, sadly, written, verbal….every way…..

The fighting was blamed on me. I was making shit up. My gut obviously was wrong.

The open relationship stipulation stated that we were in one, but no one that we lived with and no one in our bed. She violated that within weeks. She continued to have a relationship with these people, and with me, and forced them both to be quiet. No one could tell me. Well, the man wouldn’t. He actually sat down with me one day and told me how he used to be uncomfortable with my wife’s relationship with his wife, but that changed and it’s no big deal….

No shit, you were fucking my wife.

I feel like a fool. A worthless, ugly pathetic idiot. I told my wife that the guy made me so uncomfortable. But it was all in my head. Text messages I accidentally saw that made my instincts scream were lied about. He kissed her in the kitchen when he thought I wasn’t around. He laughed in my face, knowing I had no clue.

What’s so wrong with me. What is so disgusting, and mediocre and worthless about me, that she slept with such a shitty person, and swore to me he was a nice guy?

She’s dating him now. She told me that it’s not really anything right now, but it’s either another lie, or he’s in for a big surprise I guess. I just…I know that you don’t air your laundry, but I’m hurting.

God, I’m hurting. I’m hurting that she risked my body, abused me mentally and emotionally, and blamed me for. She retracts a lot now. I admitted I kept a journal. I was feeling insane so I wrote down what she said, so I would remember correctly, but I don’t need it anymore.

My gut was right. And her constant denials, and telling me I was wrong, and making me believe it was in my head…that’s abuse. And she abused my body by not telling me she was unfaithful.

How dare she? I know I am not an easy person to be with, but if the person is easy they are not the right person. They aren’t right for you. The truest people, are hard to deal with and I am a true person. It took too long for me to figure that out. I have gone through the circles of hell. I have been a horrible person. A cruel person. An unworthy person. And I have learned from my cruelty, and work to bring better to this world, without personal gain. Because if you do something nice, because you want to be a nice person, is about yourself, not the act. And your own wants and needs are never justified if they result in causing severe harm to another person, no matter what.

I’m sure ya’ll will hear more. I need to write again. But I need to try to sleep, and hopefully I won’t dream about the woman who swore she needed me, wanted me, wanted me forever, and the guy she fucked hours before telling me that.

And maybe avoid the constant barrage of “it heals with time”, “you’ll be fine”, “you are strong and so forth”. I know my friends and family love me, but I don’t need time…..just the truth.

Why could she so easily cause me so much harm? Why lie? Why lie to me?