What To Do With An Apology Letter That Doesn’t Apologize?

My ex wrote me an apology letter. Or something. I don’t know what I can call it. I was just going to post it here and rant about everything she put in it, but I’m not going to. Not yet. Now is not the time, because her story isn’t this story. This is my story. My life.

So instead of ranting about how horrible she was, or how horrible her friends were, I’m going to show you my response to her letter. There are a lot of hurts in it. A lot of calling out the traumas and abuses I was put through. The difference here, is that I am no longer blaming myself, like I’ve done since October.  I understand that some may think I’m being spiteful, or cruel, or bitter. Some think it’s just that I’m still in love with her. Some may even believe I’m trying to destroy her new relationship.

I’m a writer, through and through. I’ve written about past traumas and abuses, and about being lost and unsure. I know, I mean I am aware now, that I was emotionally and mentally abused. Some have even argued physically abused, with the risk my ex put my body in, with her infidelity. The following is my response to her words:

 

I have read your note.

I know that what I will say next will be relegated to me being hurt. It will be written off as someone who is bitter, who is hurt, and angry. I know that you will sit there and say you’ve said what you’ve had to say, and that you believe to be true, and I simply just don’t understand. That I don’t know you. What you were going through. That there is nothing more you can give me, but an apology. That your relationship with Alex has absolutely nothing to do with me.

A part of me doesn’t care to continue one with this charade. I don’t. I’m tired of listening to your excuses and your lies. And I am tired of listening to you lie to yourself. I’ve watched you lie to yourself for the better part of a year, and it is exhausting to watch someone I once care about, become so far from who she was, and to have her think that she is better for it. It’s depressing. But what can I do. You’ve chosen to not only cut me from your life, but you chose to act in a manner that put my life in danger.

I want you to be aware that your words “I am in a major place of needing to work through things and heal”and “subsequently what I’ve done to myself by not living in a way where my actions and choices align with my beliefs” are the exact same words that Krystal wrote to me when she told me why she did what she did to me. She said that she mistreated me, lied to me, acted in a manner in which she knew was forcing me into a breakdown, because she believed that she had a chance to be with you. Her words were “I loved her. And I knew what I was doing, but she made me believe we had a shot to be together, so I didn’t care, because I wanted to be with her. I loved her and I believed she wanted to be with me.” Considering how quickly she forced her divorce with Alex, and yes I know she had many other reasons as well, but reasonably speaking, she thought she had a chance with you and she took it. She couldn’t be with you the way she wanted to, if she was married to Alex. And she couldn’t be with you if I was in the picture. And she told me the exact same thing you have just told me. She wasn’t living in her values, and she is sad for it, but she is still a good person. She was a good person, doing horrendous things, but she was still a good person. Except you and I both know she isn’t, and she is feeling egg in her face because not only did she lose you, but she lost you to her ex-husband. And she knew Alex was enjoying that fact.

Alex, your boyfriend, the person you swear has nothing to do with me, has a lot to do with me. He, like Krystal, knew that he couldn’t be with you with me in the picture. And while he and Krystal both watched you treat me horribly, he, like you have said before “was following my lead.” But that is what he did when you were around. He is a grown man after all, and he knew exactly what he was doing, and he had no problem doing it. He flaunted the fact that he enjoyed you constantly choosing to be with him over being with me. You never saw it, and when I tried to talk to you about it you brushed it aside. But he’s admitted to it. He pushed the boundaries of his actions when I was around, knowing that the more I protested, the more we fell apart. When him and I sat down, and I talked to him about how his relationship with you was hurting me, he laughed it off. He lied. He told me it was in my head. Told me I needed to see a counselor. Told Krystal he wasn’t interested in a relationship with her. I told you once that he made me feel nervous. Something about him wasn’t sitting right with me. Because he doesn’t feel remorse, another thing he has admitted, about putting a wedge between us. It sucks, but it doesn’t effect him, he got what he wanted. He didn’t care who he hurt to get it done, because if anyone of you cared about what you were doing, it wouldn’t have happened. But it did. He continued his actions knowing that it both hurt me, and Krystal. And let’s face it, while he has feelings for you, being with you is also the biggest fuck you to Krystal that he can ever come up with, and you ate it up.

The fact that you don’t believe me tells me that I could hand you a recording between Alex and Krystal. Show you every message. I can even show you where the messages have come from, and you won’t believe it, because you don’t want to. And I accept that. I accept that you have belittled me, disgraced me, and in all terms discredited me in your mind, because I know that believing me, believing that my words are true, is terrifying. It means facing that mirror, and knowing that you became the kind of person that drove someone to believe suicide was their only escape. That there is someone out there so afraid of you, and of your friends, because you showed a level of cruelty because you are too much of a coward to face the truth. I am more afraid of Alex then I am of you. I am scared to see him that the mere thought of ever seeing him again puts me into a panic attack. If you think for one second that your relationship with him, has nothing to do with me, then I accept the fact that you will never see beyond what you want to see. And that is not my problem. Your welfare stopped being my problem the first time you ever lied to me about loving me.

As for your hand in all of this Amanda. There were no healthy reasons for us to end. There weren’t. Your feeling of us not being right? Of wanting something else in life? Needing something more. The fighting, the communication issues, all the vague reasons that you told me and I retorted and we argued about, Amanda nothing about us ending would have been healthy because you weren’t healthy. You said you were mourning, and confused, and fighting it, and that just tells me right there that you were lost, and unhealthy, and immature for the relationship you were in. When you talk about how we didn’t fight well, or communicate well, there isn’t a leg for you to stand on because we fought and communicated like the people we were. Not anyone else. All the books, and seminars, about healthy relationships mean squat because they are just one mold and you and I were never one for molds. I knew I lost you long before this happened, I just didn’t want to see it. I lost you the day I was in the hospital, and you cried that night about losing me. We fought differently after that. Our fights always felt like you were just grasping for reasons for us to end. And then you just stopped completely. You started thinking of what you wanted, and not what you had, and you became selfish and cruel. There is nothing less than that, to describe what you have done, and what you have become. And while yes you need healing, and therapy, I think you are so scared of actually facing yourself that you have run into someone else’s arms. You ran to a safe haven, and while that safe haven callously, and also cruelly, took part in pushing someone you claim to love, into a suicide attempt, you turn a blind eye because of how he makes you feel.

And you can shake your head, and deny it. You can run to your friends, or Alex, and have them refute it, but you have to remember something Amanda. I loved you. I loved you through your many flaws, and greatness. I watched you, and learned you, and most importantly I loved you. I knew you, and while I never saw the cheating coming, I saw you changing. I loved you through that changing, and I waited for you to realize that I never wavered, never faltered. I saw you changing because of those two, and stood up to you, even when you had me so afraid. When your friends made me feel so unsafe, and unwelcomed, and when the three of you made me feel so unwanted and worthless. I tried, because I loved you. So don’t take this as me being bitter, or angry.

You don’t love me. You don’t care about me. You once told me that, after the first time you cheated, you thought about me and felt horrible. But you kept going Amanda. You forced me between two people fighting to be with you, and then told me that if we were meant to be, that no one could come between us. But you threw people between us, because you are a coward. You took my own history, truths, fears, and experiences from those who traumatized me, and used them against me. You once told me that it wasn’t your problem if you were making me feel insecure. That it was my problem, and if I couldn’t get over it then we just weren’t meant to be. (sic) used to say that to me, used to hide her phone and lie to my face…(sic)…You’ve made me feel, and have done just that. You laid next to me, told me you loved me, and told someone else you wanted to be with them. (sic) did that to me. You used my mind against me.  You watched someone you swore you loved, be destroyed by that cowardice, and you are still hiding in it, because you say it wasn’t done purposefully. But the words didn’t come from you accidentally. Your actions, your cheating, your lying, were not accidents. You watched, as you and Alex and Krystal, pushed me further and further into harm, and did not stop it. Instead, you told me you couldn’t be with me if we constantly fought, and that you can’t be with someone who is suicidal. But you isolated me when you brought me to Oregon, already having cheated on me with 3 people, and told me Alex and Krystal loved me. They were my friends.

Nothing was an accident. Mental and emotional abuse are never accidents. And to call what happened anything else is just another slap to my face.

I am not perfect. I am not easy to be with, but if you want easy then you have found easy with your friends and with yourself. But I wasn’t hard either. I wasn’t a difficult person to love, not easy, but not hard. But I was beautiful in your world. I was kindness, and strength, and freedom. I was your chance to grow in a way you couldn’t imagine, and in a way that doesn’t really happen in this world anymore. Even if I wasn’t your forever, what you would have had peace, beauty and love. What you told me you wanted for your future, you would have gained more than what you could even see for yourself. Even if we were not forever, you would have had me forever. You would have had my respect, my loyalty, and my love forever.

 And if you think for one second that there was anything honorable about any reason you have for us not being together, then you know nothing of honor and courage. I would have listened Amanda. I would have listened, and heard you, and respected you. I would have cried with you, loved you in the goodbye, and you would have seen love in the most beautiful way love can be given. You would have grown from it, and maybe your relationship with Alex wouldn’t have been built on lies, broken friendships, cheating, and cruelty. 10 years from now, you would have come across me somehow and felt joy, and love that was still there because you had love from a good, honest person, and you became a better person for it.

I’m not bitter Amanda. I’m not even angry. I have enough people in my life screaming for me. My family, my friends, even some of your friends, believed in you like I did, and are furious, and sad, and disappointed. Me, I feel pity for you. Pity, that as I re-read your email, that you believe you have learned anything from this. That you’ve learned anything from me.

You actually stated you wished you did this to (sic). The fact that you can say that, tells me you know nothing of the depths of your actions. That you know nothing of what your relationship with Alex is now, or what your relationship with me was. I told you once, that I am a person who holds strongly to honor, courage and loyalty. You called me traditional for many of my beliefs. But you don’t know the true meaning of these words, if you could wish what you’ve done onto anyone else, even (sic). The fact that you said it shows to me that you still are wrapped up in what you believe, and will never see the full truth of everything.

Even (sic) wouldn’t deserve this. A good person wouldn’t say something like that. A person trying to make themselves feel better, while portraying their contriteness, and apology, says something like this. You are right, you have done a lot of damage to yourself. You have done a lot of damage to the people you’ve claimed to love. You say you are now living within your values, and if your values would allow you to believe that it would be more justifiable to pushing someone to suicide, because they are a shitty person, then your values are not something I would ever want to raise a kid with, and I am grateful that I did not have one with you, and I am grateful to have people in my life who would die protecting me from you and your friends.

I don’t forgive you Amanda. I once said I did, but that was when I thought you were doing your best to honor me. But now, no longer. And you will gird yourself to that truth, and protect yourself from it, compartmentalize what you have to and move on from this trauma you have caused, and not learn from it. Because you’ve hidden from the truth, lied about it, tried to talk your way around it with nice words that anyone who isn’t me would be satisfied to hear. But through your selfishness, cruelty, and cowardice, you have forgotten who you are talking to.

I am Faith Taryn Davies. I have seen heaven and hell. I bare the scars of the traumas inflicted upon me by the world, and by my own hand. I have been an amazing, incredible person, and I have been a horrible, pathetic person. I have hated truly, and loved truly. I loved you truly, and although you deserve my hatred, my disdain, disgust, and even deserve to have my cruelty placed back upon you, you are not worth the loss of my own grace. So it matters not to me whether you hear me or if you even care. I know a day will come when you fully feel the love you actually had for me, and realize the full magnitude of your actions, of your loss. It won’t be now. You may think it, but it won’t be. I don’t know when. I don’t claim to know all, and I mean look at you, I was fooled and made a laughing stock my someone still claiming to love me. But I as in your life Amanda, and you were better for it.

 

My writing is never a place for crucifixion. I gain nothing from tormenting anyone. But I gain everything from facing my abuse, and reclaiming myself. So please understand when I say that my intentions are far from menial, petty and tactless. There is so much emotion that I don’t think I can even read it aloud. I’m not going to hide from this. Not anymore. I need my grace back; I need what was stolen, broken and left for trash. This is my first step on the new road I find myself walking alone. It’s embarrassing, demeaning, and terrifying. But this has been my reality for the better part of a year, and I’m tired of hiding.

I am not a victim. I am not perfect. I am a human being. I am a person. I am me. I didn’t deserve this. This is not my fault. I am not a victim.

 

 

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