Finding Grace In Gracelessness

In 2011, I left New York after spending a year cutting out people in my life who were toxic and cancerous to my soul. I found myself surrounded by beautiful, smart, strong, and gentle people who made it possible for me to leave.
After the events of the last year. I realize that I’ve watched  toxic and cancerous people took over someone I loved and trusted, and turned her into a horrifying person. And those three people, her and her two friends, almost drove me to the point of death.
So my best friend told me to come home. Although I felt horrible, and weak, and a failure…like I gave up on my wife, on myself, that death was the only way out…I got in the car and drove home. And I got here and I fell completely apart.

And then angels in the forms of friends, both close and distant, started to pop up. I had disappeared and when I came back to the world they were waiting. Waiting to send love, and support. Waiting to work with me, to glue my pieces back together.
“Because that is what you do when the strongest of us falls. When the one person who gives light, and love, and grace, cannot find her own in the darkness anymore. She stood unwavering, with gentleness, a smile, and a strong hand, and put us back together, without us ever realizing that is what she was doing, until she finished…So here we are. Ready to put the best of us back together, because she is love.”
I can’t help but feel pain for my ex. I know so many people who argue with me over this but I can’t help it. I can’t help but rage against the truth that she surrounds herself, clings to, swears by, those that lower her standards, because now she feels she is living her values again. Because she doesn’t acknowledge the reality that she didn’t lower her values on her own. That those she loves, and pulls close to her, have lower values. They cling to the hope of higher values, of grace, but continually fall short. I feel pain, because she cast me aside for these people. I feel pain for the person she has become, knowing that she will cling to the denial of the traumas she knowingly committed. I feel sorry for her. Because I loved her, and she had so much potential to be more than what she had become. Instead, she willfully became a lesser person, and will always be a lesser person, no matter how hard she tries, no matter how hard she and her friends tell her that she is a good, moral person. She will always be lesser. This act in her life. This moment. This crossroad she faced. She will always and forever be, a lesser person for it, and there is no healing that wound. And I am sorry for her.
I am no great person. No hero, or graceful creature. I’m messed up like so many other people in this world. I’m not even saying that I am the opposite of who she has become. But I am surrounded by people who lend me their grace, when I struggled to find my own. And while I struggle everyday with the trauma that Amanda and Alex and Krystal have inflicted upon me (even through their denials), I am surrounded by people who raise my standards. Even Amanda, at one point, raised them. But now, these people, my saving graces, my friends, my family…when the pieces are put back together, will make sure I am back together as an even better version of myself.
No one can ask more beauty from this world than that.

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