I sent Amanda an email trying to explain what Alex’s abuse meant.
You once told me, that you and I had different ideas of what abuse meant. But I don’t have an idea of what it is. I have a definition. I have a reflection. Scars, and constant tears, and begging strangers paid to listen to me cry to stop, to allow me to live in denial. To not talk about him. Not talk about the person you pushed me towards. Asked me to be friends with. Whom everyone says is such a nice person, yet did things that still make me vomit out of stress and fear. Who I shake at the mere idea of seeing because I’m scared, scared of the show he’ll put on until your back is turned. The show he put on for months, knowing you wouldn’t believe me. Knowing that he was tearing me apart with his words and actions, and smiled at me while doing it. I have panic attacks, wake up crying and begging to be away from him because his voice is a nightmare for me. Because no amount of holding, and reassuring me, has helped squash my fear of him. I have no amount of anger to drum up to fight back against it. I’m that broken person in oregon, wishing you would save me from him. But instead you told me he loved me, and didn’t understand why I didn’t like him.
But he makes me wish I was dead, so I would be safe from him. And you ignore it.
There is no one abuse that is worse than the other. But mental and emotional abuse take the longest to heal, to understand and deal with. That fear, that hopelessness. It’s a daily fight. Fight to accept you were abused. Fight to tell the world you were abused. Fight to breathe through each day, to breathe through the pain, the anxiety. It’s even worse, when the abuser is someone no one would ever believe would be abusive. It’s worse when you are blamed. When you are made to feel crazy for even daring to face a person everyone loves.
But abuse, is abuse, no matter the intention.
If you are trying to survive through current abuse, or are a survivor and are trying to re-learn how to breathe. Hell, even if it happened years ago and you still feel the sting, please reach out. Talk to someone, get help. You are not at fault, and you are not wrong.
You are not alone:
Hotline Phone Line:
1-800-799-7233 | 1-800-787-3224 (TTY)