Day 18: Part 1

Day 18:

Well technically this is where day 17 transitions to day 18 for me, but just roll with me on this one.

I know the last few posts have been…lacking. I apologize for this, work has been kicking my ass two ways from Sunday….that is a peculiar saying, just want to point that out.

60 hours this week, and possibly 54 next week….and honestly I am okay with that, except when I’m at work I don’t want to write, and when I get home I really don’t want to write, so it’s been a lot of non-writing; kind of sucks that I am a writer huh?

It is currently down-pouring…(is there an up-pouring?), anyways, it is raining heavily and the sounds of the water are mixing nicely with Imogen Heap, so for a Munday (that be sunday/monday) evening the world is a pretty okay place. Well, cept for the dirty old man (co-worker) who is flirting heavily with me, but that is easily ignored. It takes a lot to get on my nerves, and since I am a ridiculous flirt myself, I tend to let certain flirtations go. Now if he tried to grope me or grab me there would be an issue; however, that has not happened so he shall live.

But I truly do love the rain, especially on a warm night like tonight. It’s cleansing…soothing…and sometimes makes you have to run to the bathroom if you drank way to much water. But all in all I love the rain. I’m just looking forward to seeing more warm spring days and gentle breezes. It is days like today that make me miss the summers of my younger days, running around the streets at midnight and enjoying the freedom that summer always tastes like. I actually hate having to work during the summer…and if I wasn’t too lazy to go back and get my master’s degree in teaching, (and if I didn’t hate high school and middle school, and I refuse to teach elementary). I might decide whether or not to pursue becoming a professor, but many of the programs require being published and/or ph’d’s and the whole lot and I honestly don’t know what I would want to even study, let alone talk about.

“But Faith, you love writing, why don’t you do that?”

Great question, the reason I don’t is because the minute something I love doing (writing, playing sports, listening to music) becomes work, I grow to hate it. Playing sports became a job, and now 2 years later I am overweight and lazy because the idea of running or working out again stresses me out. I know I shouldn’t be as lazy as I am, but after 22 years of working my ass off, I’m tired. TIRED.

I’m being stupid actually, but I am allowed my moments.

Is it really of waste of life to just want to lie on a beach and never move for the rest of your life? Because if that could be my life, I would; the water, the sand, the sun…the women……*sigh*

I’m being obstinate today and I really don’t care. It has been a rough few days, and sleeping on my couch is finally taking its toll on me. That and I haven’t heard back from any of my potential job opportunities yet, so I’m slightly frustrated. I know that the responsible thing to do would be to stay and continue making money and saving….but I am not living and I hate that. I’m not living in Corn Country, I am existing and I refuse to exist anywhere where I can’t live. All I do is wake up, go to work, go home, go to sleep, wake up, go to work, go home, go to sleep…and sometimes in between I’ll eat, shower and write. Very little human interaction, very little fun….unless you count reading and watching movies by yourself fun…which I do sometimes, but there is something nice about being in the presence of others.

Although my seclusion has lead to zen-like moments that have helped me analyze myself and my purposes in life…..and it has also lead to the decision to get a faux-hawk hair cut….

This is what happens when I combine lack of sleep, with beer, and my roommate. Mayhem people Mayhem.

Well, that mayhem also lead to the decision to start putting the final touches on my first book of poetry, which will be available for purchase, rent, fire-paper, in the upcoming months. I have about 20 more pages to fill, which won’t actually be that difficult so I’m hoping to have it completed by September. I haven’t thought of a title yet, but I’m figuring it will either come to me in a random moment, or one of you can come up with a title.

We shall see.

I’m still doing the prompt challenge…I’m actually in the process of writing three prompts at once. I don’t know how that happened, but it did. I really just need to learn how to finish what I am working on. In college it was easy to meet deadlines, because if I didn’t I failed and failure wasn’t an option. My 3.75 is bloody proof of my refusal to fail. Actually blood, sweat, and tears went into earning my GPA…coupled with a near nervous breakdown and an epic fleeing of the country. Well…not so much epic as a rushed Study Abroad application and a lot of booze to get me on the plane.

I think it is time that I just stopped bullshitting my way through everything, at least my writing. I just have a hard time making it a profession, because it is a passion. My mom asked me about why I haven’t done more to earn money from my writing, and I just can’t bring myself sometimes to do it. I love it too much… but she isn’t wrong. I could sell my poetry, and my recordings (I do have an actual spoken world album titled Life Happens), and even my novel. I just don’t want it to become a job….

If this is my worldly dilemma, then I am five by five.

Question for the evening:

What holds you back?

What's Your Perspective?

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