#11: Dear Cyanide”

Dear Cyanide,

No one ever quite understood why I gave you that nickname; they thought me wholly weird, and I said it more out of habit than anything. Who would have thought that the nickname I came up with freshman year, would be so telling years later. 

It came up because we were finding things that rhymed with our names. Well, with yours and Isabella’s and Ritz names. I was never quite part of the group right? I didn’t play your games, or lose myself in the bustle of a world that feigned closeness and true friendship. However, being the person who knew words better than anyone else, I got sucked into the game. I liked cyanide; it was the closest word we found to the actual spelling of your name. I was the only person to call you that, but you got used to it. We had gotten close. Funny…we knew each other for 5 years, but all it took was 1 mistake, one that you never told me I made, to break that friendship.

I fight with my best-friends all the time. I should have known. You had begun to change in the last year. A shadiness had over-taken the sweet demeanor that always countered my nickname for you, but something changed in you, or in me. My final year of college left me without rose-colored glasses, and the deep resentments, ostracism, and confusion that I had spent the previous 4 years quelling had rose up with such a violence that I couldn’t even stand to look at a single one of you. Years of abuse had snapped within me. You all thought it was a joke. None of you ever took the time to ask if what I was going through was actually real. It was, and you all had a hand.

Well…not all of you. Mike didn’t. And Jordan to an extent didn’t, and none of you could understand why Ash would show up to my party, but never to yours. But the core of you, I hated. I admit I envied at times, your lives, your attitudes, at times, but at the center of my being I simply hated you. I hated the way you lied to the worlds, but shared your secrets behind the safety of my front door. I hated that you knew…you knew how horribly I was slipping. There were new scars, new marks. You knew…and you laughed.

Lies had spread, and I won’t lie I know I fucked up. I know I did some stupid shit, but you needed a scapegoat. You needed someone to hate because you couldn’t stand hating yourself, so I became the fall-guy. Remember when I told Bella that I was the kind of person that became what people needed? When you needed to hate me, I became the most hated. Congrats. You played your hand well. If I died, well then it wouldn’t be your fault right? I was sick. I was a fucked up person. Two-faced, a user. I probably deserved it.

This, coming from one of the worst kinds of people on this planet. People had you so high up on a pedestal. You could do no wrong. Sweet, funny, helpful, honestly pretty. People wanted to be around you because you were such a great person.

But I knew…so I became that terrifying person who could destroy all of it. You were a cheater, and a liar. You were selfish, and at times wholly cruel. I never judged you on it, because I knew what it was like to be a horrible human being, and hate yourself for losing yourself along the way. But I couldn’t be trusted. I was crumbling, and well everyone else said I had said something, or did something.

I have no idea actually. 1 day people talked with me, and the next day I was the most hated person on the team. It literally was overnight. I know some people thought I begged my way on a trip, or that I was getting away with not going to practice. But no one talked to me, they just talked amongst themselves. No one knew the truth, but…and I am quoting you word for fucking word,

“I am an adult. I don’t have to deal with this.”

You know, I sat in my room laughing at you when you typed this to me? I asked you what was wrong, and that if I did something to upset you that I was truly sorry and if you would just talk to me about whatever it was that I did, then we could resolve the situation. I don’t know much about adulthood, but I am pretty sure adults address what is bothering them, and make the attempt to resolve the issue.

You are just a coward, because you knew a lot of it was bullshit. Whatever was being said was bullshit, but you needed a scapegoat. Someone to take the heat. I was it. You threw away 5 years of friendship on something that probably wasn’t even true…Was it easier than actually facing the people that took advantage of you every day? Was it easier than looking yourself in the mirror?

I just deleted all the track footage and video off my computer, and I came across your file (because I was such a bad teammate that when I couldn’t compete I totally didn’t video everyone so they could see their technique). All the anger and hurt rushed back…not because things weren’t resolved, but because in you I see the problems of this world. In all of you, I see the insecurities, the lying, the backstabbing, and the fear. I see it all and I wished I gave you all the finger when I proved each and every one of you wrong. Especially you…because you definitely lived up to your nickname.

I guess that is what this is I guess. I hope becoming a bully made you feel more in control, because that is what you and the rest of them became. Bullies. And you will tell me that I am pathetic for still being so angry, but I have every right to be. I lost someone I thought to be a great friend because she was a coward. It’s sad, you are sad, and I feel sorry for you. I hope you find what you are so willing to destroy people for.


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