#16: Dear Heather

Dear Heather,

I should be contacting you directly. I did it to repair the damage to my relationship with several people from college, but I don’t know how to do that with you. I don’t know how to go to you and tell you that I am sorry for letting that other shoe fall. I don’t know what explanation I could possibly give, to explain why I lost my mind during those last few months, because I honestly can’t even begin to tell you what happened. It’s a bit of a blur between Tina, school, the beginning of a 2 year illness that ravaged my mind and body, and just plain stupidity. I was stupid. I’m being stupid now for not going straight to you, but here I am…writing this. Honestly? I’m terrified. I’m terrified to hash out the past because it has taken me this long to be able to stand back up again. I don’t want to go back there…it simply hurts too much. But I know I have to do this. I have to tell you that I’m sorry for being a coward, and a child. I need to tell you that I am sorry for being a season in your life, and for allowing the explosion that ended our friendship, because I could have stopped it. I should have stopped it, I know that now, but back then I didn’t. I’m sorry.

There was something between us sure, but that had given way to a friendship that I had begun to cherish. I just don’t know where it all began to change. With all the relationships that broke down in my life thanks to Tina, yours and mine are the only relationship that I can pinpoint the beginning of the end. Was it when Pride started to fall apart? No, because that was months in the making. When yours and Kris’s relationship went on the rocks? When our depressions hit at the same time? I can’t pinpoint it and it’s driven me crazy for the last few years because I always knew where it all started going wrong…but not with us.

I just knew one day I woke up and the world wasn’t okay anymore. The typical dramas had escalated out of control, and my head was so fuzzy with crap that I just started pulling away myself. Maybe that is it. Maybe it wasn’t that you had suddenly disappeared, but that I was beginning to disappear. Who I was, who I was supposed to be. I met Tina, and I began to disappear. I was becoming so disillusioned with college, and friendships, and was so heartbroken over Rachel and heartbroken because I knew something was happened with our friendship, but I just didn’t know what. I missed you. I missed our friendship. I was pissed off at you for leaving me alone with the Pride bullshit. I was pissed off that you simply left me behind. I had everyone coming at me from all angles in regards to you and I crumbled under all of it. I walked away, not before unleashing months of frustration on you, I remember, but I walked away.

I shouldn’t have walked away. I knew shit was going down with you and I stopped being your friend; I became so wrapped up in my own bullshit, and my own feelings, that I didn’t realize that the changes I was going through, were what was driving the nail into our proverbial coffin.  Do you remember that I didn’t even want to be on the Pride e-board? I’m not meant to be in leadership positions that require actual follow-up. I’m the person that gets the troops rallied. I’m that person in the shadows. I joined for you, and after you left I was gone. But this letter isn’t about that drama. God, I wouldn’t wish that ridiculous drama-llama on anyone ever again.

No, this is my apology. I know I am not innocent in a lot of the crap that went down. I was in the middle and I should have stepped up and said something, anything, instead of letting it bog me down. But it did and I ran, and I’m sorry. I’m sorry for any hurt I caused you, and I’m sorry for failing as a friend. I could go on and on about my own personal issues during that time, but there isn’t anything that excuses the situation; maybe make it more understandable, but nevertheless inexcusable. I should have showed up on your doorstep and hashed it out with you instead of taking off. At one point we fought for each other and stood up for each other…and then we were fighting against each other and it hurt and pissed me off, and I’m sorry I didn’t handle it better. Honestly, I could have handled a lot of things better. I could have handled the shit with X better, and my relationship with Rachel better, but I didn’t. I was young, and stupid, and I’m sorry.

I have a hard time listening to certain songs because they remind me of you, and certain artists. Remember Adrienne? The woman we all went to that house to see perform? That night, when X almost killed us doing an illegal u-turn, was the first time I had ever heard you sing and I was hooked. I still have a soft spot for singers; it’s kind of hilarious because I also can’t listen to Whitney Houston without thinking of you and the time you sang for me during dinner in the Dining Hall. Remember Mike’s going away party? That was the first time I got trashed at college …you made the worst jello shots I have ever tasted hehehe, and Kris, who was just your roommate at the time, got trashed with me. Dippikill, movie nights, sleepovers that occurred at 5am because you and I had the most ridiculous bouts of insomnia. The times you let me sleep over so I could avoid my roommate? Playing Pictionary with the Pride Alliance and the look of shock on your face when I guessed Caddyshack just from you drawing a golf-club? These things I remember with ease.

I can’t remember very well what led to the end of this friendship, not without help. It blurs in my head, mixing with the beginning stages of my drug and alcohol abuse. I was constantly high on mixes of narcotics (Darvocet, Percocet, Vicodin, Lortab, Hydrocodone, plain Codeine…all variations of the same medications but in different dosages and what not) and alcohol. Combined with a toxic relationship and drama between school and track, I just shut down. We went from being friends, to being strangers, almost overnight. I knew a part of that was my fault. I just remember the feelings, and the blur of confusion. It isn’t worth rehashing I know, but I know I did wrong during that time. I did wrong by you. Everything just felt angry, and out of control. I’m sorry I let it get that way. I’m sorry for becoming that person who wasn’t worth knowing. I’m sorry for being a shitty friend.

You don’t have to accept my apology…you already know that, but I hope you do. Congratulations on your engagement to Kris; I’m truly happy for both of you. I wish you well.





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