It’s been 3 and a half years since the last time I let myself feel like this for anyone. I thought, in those three years, that I had fallen for someone and I had let infatuations get the best of me, but I was wrong. God, was I wrong…
I know that we speak everyday; sometimes, when no one is around to deal with the sickeningly sweet conversation, all we say is I love you to each other. You know I pride myself on my ability with words. There are many people who use them better than I ever could, but I think I can handle my way around vocabulary with practiced ease. Years and years of reading, writing, and passion have fed my love affair with words…and then you showed up and, sometimes, when you give me that look or flash me a crooked smile, I forget words even exist.
My mother is going to kill me for giving my heart so freely to you. The last person I gave it to turned it into confetti, and I almost didn’t survive it. Then again, I don’t think I’ve given myself as freely as I have with you. I don’t know what it is…Maybe it is your gentle smile; your warm, smiling eyes. Maybe it was the fact that I fell in love with you that day at Pride, when I was finally able to look fully in your eyes, I saw nothing but awe-inspiring beauty staring back at me.
I had, once, drunkenly told my friend what I wished for in a partner if I was ever to get into a serious relationship again: loving, honest, trusting, free-spirited, never suffocating, self-sufficient, honorable, and grown. Not someone who runs to mommy whenever she doesn’t get her way, or blames me for her irresponsibility. Someone who talks to me before making a life-altering decision, and is willing to listen if I have to make one as well; who understands when I need to go and be by myself, knowing that with her is where I will always call home. Adventurous and kind, loves animals and sunsets, reads and loves music and movies, and knows that loyalty doesn’t mean sacrificing dignity. Who shies away from drama, and loves to whisper in the dark; who loves the ocean, and cuddling in the park. Who isn’t afraid to show the world who she is, even if she is still discovering herself; this girl was the girl I had drunkenly wished.
Yet, when that girl finally arrived, I wasn’t ready. I found myself scared, hesitant, because what if was just all a dream? What if I loved you more than you loved me? What if I was loving you too fast? Late night “coming to Jess-us” sessions told me I was hung up on the past, but you have to admit, it all seemed too good to be true. I was a messed up person for so long, so full of hatred, anger, and sadness, that true happiness always seemed unattainable. Yet, here I am, so deeply in love with you that even when I’m feeling sad or hurt, a simple touch from you chases all of the darkness away. I may not have been ready for you, but I think my soul was, and I am grateful everyday of your existence in my life…..Even if I think I’m a jerk every once in while, but you never get on me; you smile, tell me you love me, and look at me with those deep blue eyes that have me tumbling head over heels again. Because I do, baby I do love you so much and it scares me to love you this deeply because I’ve never felt like this. I’ve never felt so free in my life, so light and strong. I’ve never felt more beautiful.
I’ve loved, Amanda, but I have never loved something the way I love you, and I want the future we whisper to each other at night. I know I’m going to marry you. I know I’m going to laugh, cry, sigh, fight, sing, dance, and simply be with you for the rest of my life. I want that with you; I want it all with you. I hope you feel the same way.
I’m sleepy now hehehe, it’s late and I’m surrounded by the smell of you and your bed. You even cured my insomnia hehehehe. Magic, it is the best way to describe you…magical.
I love you baby. I’ll see you in the morning.