Day 27: “Do you remember when HBO was still on TV?”

So I had a blank post page up all ready to type away and I completely passed out, so day 27 is sort of late today…but hey I got to sleep without medication or seeing the sunrise so I call this a win.

My co-worker had a quintessential blonde moment yesterday when she asked the question that is my title for today’s post. To say I was tickled by it would be an understatement but I won’t rag on her too much about it since I had my own blonde moment yesterday as well….yup totally stopped at a green light. Don’t ask me why it is like the second time I did that in 2 days, but luckily I was the only one around. Mostly it happens at these intersections that the I’m always stuck at for 5 minutes at a clip, so I naturally just stop, but yea it is a special moment in my life.

Actually I’ve just been foggy the last few days, repeating myself or stuttering. My allergies are kicking my ass and usually around this time my brain just mis-fires quite often because of the sinus pressure. Coupled with lack of sleep and I’m more than positive that I shouldn’t be allowed to operate any machinery…including my laptop since I totally blanked on writing.

I’m kind of nervous today. I’m a finalist for a job that I applied for in Baltimore, and it is a really great cause and would be a completely new experience in my life. I get this nervous for all interviews, but this experience would be really unique and special, and I mean I would live in Baltimore for year.

But, and this is despite my dislike of Corn-Country, I really like my job now. I have the opportunity to grow and make this a career, something that a few months ago I would have scoffed at because I rarely do just one thing. I mean, my future plans don’t even follow the career path I am on now. I want to get my Masters in Teaching English as a Second Language and go overseas and teach English. Right now I’m doing Security, which I do have a degree/diploma? in. I graduated back in 2005 from a Law Enforcement and Security program.

So I know basic spanish and some Irish and ASL. I was a Division 1 athlete and a board member for my campus Pride Alliance and Student Advisor on the Disability Resource Assessment Committee. I am an EMT. I have a High School Diploma, a Law Enforcement/Security diploma. I have a Bachelors in English Studies and am certified in Disaster Relief and Assessment and I want to teach English as a Second Language…My life is as random as my education. I love it that way, because I just have no clue what to do with it.

The pay is really good at my Security job, granted I work obscene hours, but for the first time in my life I am not really worried about money. If I take this job in Baltimore, well let’s just say I’m taking a 800 dollar a month pay-cut. A part of me likes the money and just wants to stay, but the other part of me wants to go and help communities that are in need of help. I want to gain teaching experience, and I want to chance to meet new and diverse people. I want the chance to see the world.

A part of me thinks I just want to be able to tell stories when I’m old and grey. “I remember when I was 24 blah blah blah.” I’m scared…I’m scared of not living life to its fullest. I’m scared of being having a life like my mother’s. Of being stuck in one place and living hand to mouth. I’m scared of settling down…I’m scared I will never settle down.

My co-worker says that my life is going to change when I turn 25. That things will just click in my head. But all I keep thinking is how the hell did I already reach 24? I remember being in middle school wondering if I would ever get out of Podunk New York, and now I’m like….wait middle school was yesterday. I’m really too young to be having this kind of crisis.

No….I’m not. I’m not because it seems like the natural progression. My friends are getting married, they are having kids. They are moving to new areas, settling down, starting families. I ran. I ran because I want those things, but I can’t help but feel that it is all a trap. That once I settle down, my wayward spirit will die. I watched my mom sacrifice her dreams for my brother and I. I watched her struggle in jobs until she got hurt, and couldn’t work anymore. I watched her balance budgets, and sacrifice shoes for herself so she could give them to my brother and I. I watched her and I love her for giving my brother and I the best life she could give.

I don’t know if I could do what she did. It scares me.

The irony is, is that I do want to have a family. I want kids. I want a wife (or husband if that is how that plays out). I do want that life. But I want my proverbial cake. I want to travel, and not just on vacation, but work as I travel. I want to do the Peace Corps, or teach overseas. I want it all….it seems selfish, but this is what I want in life. I want a home to go back to, I want a home to leave. I’m searching for that existence, because there is a difference between living and having a life, and I feel stuck in-between.

It’s partly why I’ve been single for so long. It isn’t fair to ask anyone to wait for me. To let me go off on completely random adventures, leave for months on end without one backwards glance. It isn’t fair to that person….it isn’t fair to me. In my last two relationships the biggest sore point was that my girlfriend’s would get pissed off about me going off, whether it was to Ireland for a month, or out of the state for college. It’s understandable why they wouldn’t want me to go, but I would never want to start to resent my lover for holding me back from an experience…and that is what happened in those relationships. I resented them. I resented that they didn’t believe me when I said I would come back. I resented that they didn’t believe that my love for them knew no distance. I would love them as deeply if I was 1000 miles away, or 1 inch away.

I’m insane…why am I thinking about all of this? I don’t feel lonely, well…in the sense of being incomplete. I think I’m maybe afraid of being alone for the rest of my life. That in order to live the life I want, that I will have to sacrifice loving another person. I don’t think I could ever go back to living like I did in my last relationships, with my ex’s constantly calling me, or texting me, wondering where I was, what I was doing, when will I be back, why didn’t I answer when they called. Is it wrong, to go a full day without talking to your partner? I’m not that person who panics if someone doesn’t answer, sure I’d get sad, but I don’t need constant validation of my relationship. I just want someone to love me. Who doesn’t?

I just know it is hard to love someone who isn’t always there. Granted if my girlfriend/boyfriend was in the Peace Corps for two years I really wouldn’t flip out about it, but I can’t ask the same from anyone. Would you?

I had my interview…it’s actually 1,000 dollar pay cut each month, but my heart isn’t breaking because of the money. I could see myself doing this. I’d sell my car, settle my debts, I could live off what they are offering. I could, and it would be interesting and introspective year and something I could do…But the conundrums in my life are the kind I should never hate…I don’t hate this choice, but I hate having to choose between making money, and living in and serving a community in need.

I have some thinking to do.

I think I might just have figured out what I am doing with this blog.


Question of the day:

What would you give up?

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