Day 26: “I Know You Will Make Me Smile”

I woke up today with 20 minutes to get up and get ready for work, so not much has happened in that aspect. My life has definitely slipped into a redundant…wake up, go to work, go home, putz around, go to sleep and repeat. I mean, there really isn’t much socializing to be done at 4 in the morning. It was easier when I worked from 5:30am-3:30pm and had the afternoon to hang out with people, go hit the town or whatever, and I had Fridays and Saturdays off. Now, I sit at work and talk with the people I work for, and with, and watch the clock tick away…and away…and away…although I did get to see a beautiful sight today while leaving the Plasma Donation center…..I started going in the early mornings, and this sight is worth being up at 6am.

But today’s discussion isn’t about my decision to be stabbed twice a week….

My friends place a lot of faith in me, sometimes deserving, and sometimes not so much. It was a rough night of staring at my ceiling and watching the sun rise before my body finally slipped into slumber, only to be interrupted every few hours with text messages once 8am rolled passed me. I forgot to set my phone to Alarm Only, so every few hours my eyes would pop open, and I would sleepily read the message to make sure no one was in trouble before dropping my phone back to my nightstand and slipping back into oblivion. You’d think I would have changed my setting, but that is the not so much aspect of me.

One of those texts was about how my friend Sara wanted the 40 days to be over so she could know what was going on in my life since she is bad with phone calls. I’ll eventually remind her about my blog, because I honestly think that my personal Facebook is going to be deleted when I am done. Too much hassle. Employers asking for passwords, people adding and getting offended when they don’t get accepted or get deleted. I’m quite enjoying this disconnect with the world in this respect. I would love to get rid of my cell phone and email, but those have grown from conveniences to necessities. Facebook isn’t necessary for my existence, and although I have had it for close to 8 years, I can do without.

My fan-page and my author page will remain, because I am not stupid, but my personal page with all the people who have known me on a daily existence is going. I have better things to waste my time doing, and I’m hoping to better utilize the free time Facebook has freed up for me in different ways, or at least once my work schedule evens out. Where was I with this?

Sara. One of my oldest friends, the first person I ever came out of the closet to and one of the few people who would make me drop everything I was doing to help. One of the veerrryyyy few. I’m always willing to help out, but not many of my friends hold the power to have me hop in a car in the middle of the night to drive through several states to get to them. She is definitely a root in my life (Madea reference my friends). We don’t need to talk every day; she just knows I will always be there for her.

So it was nice to see her frustration at my blackout of Facebook hehehe. It is nice to see how one’s absence, even from a social media site, can be felt. I’ve actually received many Facebook notifications in the last few days; people writing on my wall, sending me messages, and commenting on pictures. I have no clue what they are saying or commenting on, because the minute I see Facebook in my email I delete it, but it is interesting. I’ve received several texts from those telling me that they missed seeing my daily posts, or the random memories that I share as a status. You won’t see these on my open Facebook page, but this challenge has turned into an interesting social experiment that I might take further. I don’t use Tweet a Twit all that much so I’m not going to ban that next, because that really isn’t a challenge, but maybe I’ll do a Letter challenge next. You know, write a letter to a different person each day for 40 days. I’m still doing the writing prompt challenge which has proved somewhat difficult to do in between this challenge and writing my book, but I’m still plugging along with that.

What do you all think? What should I give up for the next 40 days? It just can’t be the blog because how will you know how I’m doing? ^_^ But something creative, because all I can think of is giving up Orange juice, or pizza.

One of the other texts I received today was from Charlatan, my British bestie who is married to Devonshire, and is currently living in New York. She is a big VW fan, and was more than in love with her little VW Silver Bug. Seriously, there was almost an intervention… I remember the first time that girl ever picked me up in that car. Let me clarify that I’m 5’8” and was a collegiate shot put thrower, so I am, by far, not a small person. I’m pretty sure I could lift this car. She laughed at me as I told her that there was no way I would fit in this car. Although I did fit, and with plenty of room to my surprise, this car is just tiny, which is perfect since Charlatan comes up to my chest and weighs 100lbs soaking wet. Tiny, tiny British girl. Well, the text today was her upset that her beloved car is well on its way to dying, and she needed to be cheered up because she loves this car. This is where the quote in the title bar comes up, “I know you will make me smile.” My friend needed someone to cheer her up, and she chose me.

Yup, no pressure. I know it seems trivial, the love for a car, but I would sob if something happened to my car. I love Tara, which is my car’s name. She is amazing and is my baby. Tara is my very first car. Sigh, I love my car. So, I understand Charlatan’s pain, but that is some awesome pressure to be funny on demand, especially 1200 miles away. It’s not like I can just drive over to her house and bring her to Toys R Us so she could pick out a new car from the Hot Wheels bin. But apparently I did manage to make her smile, so I guess my job as a friend was executed.

I’m not actually complaining about my friends coming to me because I can make them smile. That is such a high compliment for me, considering I sometimes think I am a shit friend. I forget to respond to texts or phone calls, forget birthdays, disappear for months or years on end…and I pretty much told everyone in my life that they weren’t worth me sticking around in NY for so…yea. However, I love Charlatan. This is the girl who came home one day to find me, at like 6pm, passed out on our living room couch with an empty bottle of vodka in my hand. Instead of berating me, she gently took the bottle from my hand (thus waking me up), and held me as I drunkenly cried out all the pain I was feeling into her shoulder. I think if anyone had ever told us how close we would become we’d think they were nuts. It’s amazing how unknowing we are when we first meet someone who changes our lives. I remember the first time she walked into my life.

She had just moved to my college campus, and was able to move in early because she was an athlete and a foreign exchange student. She walked into my office, the most adorable person I had ever met above the age of 5, and introduced herself to me and the rest of the Residential Life staff. Naturally, all the boys jumped to help her, which I could tell was intimidating her so I kicked everyone out of my office and helped get her set up with her keys and paperwork. I explained I was also an athlete and that I would see her around and that was that. We saw each other at the Recreation center and athletic events, and sometimes bumped into each other going or coming from the bus, but our relationship was strictly acquaintances until one trip to the bus caught us having a conversation about working. She needed a summer job, and I just so happened to need another camp counselor for this camp I participated in during the summer. I finally got her phone number, which is still in my phone as Charlatan UK so I could remember who the hell she was, and I sent her to my boss. The exchange took 2 minutes, and somehow we changed our lives. She got the job, and we started talking more and more every day. She roomed with me during the summer camp, and we became ridiculously close as she helped me overcome a severe back injury. When she needed a place to live during the school year, I hustled her way into my dorm room.

But she became more than just the friend who I worked with. She saw me as I struggled to walk properly again. She saw me as I fought against crippling depression and she saw as I slipped back into cutting. She saw me as I drank myself to sleep, and abused pain medication, so I could avoid my girlfriend. She saw me as I finally cried about my ex-fiancé breaking my heart. I saw her as she struggled with a shoulder injury, and balanced school and sports and friendships. I saw her through a nasty break-up, and I saw her twice swallow her pride and ask for help because she was going to be homeless. I saw her graduate, she saw me graduate. I saw her fall in love again, and get married. She saw me leave for a new adventure. I’m the friend she turns to when she needs to smile, and she is the friend I turn to when I need someone to push me out the door.

I have mentioned, plenty of times, how blessed I am when it comes to people in my life. Charlatan isn’t the only person to have seen me at my worst, or to pick me up when I’ve fallen. I have many really good friends that I adore. But it’s hard, isn’t it? To maintain all the relationships one has in his/her life. Many of these people are the branches in my life, or sometimes the leaves. We slip in and out of each other’s lives with ease. We get angry and stop talking, or the friendship slips away. I am not the greatest pen-pal, so sometimes it is my fault, especially since out of all of these people I am the one most likely to leave. As much as I love the people in my life, and for as strongly as I feel towards them, I haven’t found a place where I haven’t felt like a visitor. Even when I received the reactions I did back in December, when I went home for a few days for the holidays, I simply felt the outsider. I was happy to be back, but I looked forward to leaving…it hurt too much to explain why I couldn’t stay. I don’t know what I am running from, or what I am running towards. Just that I’m running.

So, if I can make my friend smile for a moment, I will. It’s the least I owe them for leaving them; for the world in which they invited me into, and loved me within, not being enough for me to stay. I would find it narcissistic if I came across someone talking about how they were a bad person for leaving their friends behind to wander around the country, but considering I get a semi-angry, semi-sad text once a week damning me for leaving NY and to come back, I think my feeling of being a jerk is valid.

So I started day 26 giving a smile, and end it with a peaceful goodnight to a waking world.

My life of random.

Question of the day:

Who is your favorite artist?

7 thoughts on “Day 26: “I Know You Will Make Me Smile”

  1. My favorite artist. My former husband, he’s so very, very talented.

    Instead of giving up something, perhaps you should try doing something for 40 days – I mean that can be just as difficult and you can reap postive rewards. I look forward to your blog and it would be a great punishment to give this up – and I might add I’ve never done anything bad enough to deserve that. Hehehe.

    • ^_^

      I was thinking of doing a letter project for 40 days. People following my blog can email me, privately obviously, their addresses and I can write a letter to them. 1 a day for 40 days, or something similar. What do you think?

      And I get excited whenever I see you respond to a post so I’m glad you are following my ramblings. I promise I won’t give up blogging, it has come to mean a lot to me since I’ve started.

      • I’d be perfectly content if you did a letter a day – to anyone, perhaps to someone from your past, or to someone who is no longer around, or someone who was mean to you, someone you saw on the street, someone in the market, etc….something like that. Not sure if I’m making sense (uh, yeah, this is why I don’t blog – haha).

      • Oh, TarakianWarrior is also me (Lori), just in case you may have been confused…I’d be confused. Ha.

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