Ever think back into your life and simply cringe? Or maybe you get that heavy feeling and are suddenly inundated with hatred and regret?
If you haven’t then I’d guess you’d be lucky because I do. I look at who I once was, compared to who I am now, and I shake my head with disgust, guilt, and shame. I was a horrible person for a long, long time. At the same time, I was surrounded by horrible people who fed my downfall.
Don’t get me wrong; I take full blame, but some of that guilt is filled with the images of the people I’ve come to despise and it’s a part of me that needs to change, because hating those people will not aid myself now in being a better person.
Sometimes though, I just want to march up to each and every one of the them and hit them so hard their grandchildren will feel it. But I guess that would be immature and a waste of a night in jail. So I have to forgive them, and myself, for that time period. I have to forgive the childishness, the back-stabbing, and overall petty, self-absorbed, selfish actions we all took back then.
I have to, because years later and the simple sight of their names makes me want to put my fist through a wall. It is a short list of people, but I need to let go…
So I forgive them. I forgive them for letting me fall when I needed them to keep me up. I forgive the lies they passed around about me. I forgive how they treated me, without ever knowing what was truly wrong. I forgive them for treating me like I was just an attention hog, when all I needed was for them to stop giving me the silent treatment. Most of all, I forgive myself, for letting them influence my life to the point where I was willing to take my own life to avoid having to spend another day in their presence.
It is amazing, how simply saying you’ll forgive, makes a difference. I don’t think I’ll stop every feeling negatively towards a single person that put me through hell my final year of college (including myself), but I forgive them for it nonetheless. I won’t be buying them a drink anytime soon, but it is a start right?
I hope so, otherwise I’m afraid I’ll spend the rest of my life wasting energy on those who had no problem casting me aside.
So yes…I forgive them. I forgive myself….and the world, my world, will be a better place for it.