Question: What makes you take that step forward when you really and truly, deep in your soul, do not want to? What is it? Is it a who? What? And once you move forward what keeps you going forward?
“We live this life along the lines others create…we worry and struggle and don’t appreciate the moments when we are actually living for ourselves….Today I realized that I get to see the sun rise 5 days a week…I live, and I see the sun rise………”- Faith Taryn Davies
It is amazing, when you look back at something how different perspective can be. This occurred back in July and I completely blanked on about 10 questions sent to me. But this is the only one that really stood out, and the above quote is what I started to write and for some reason, just stopped.
I think a part of me knew the answer, but didn’t want to give it, while the other part didn’t know, but so desperately wanted to have one.
Looking back now, I kept moving forward because going back was too painful for me. As much as I love my mother, and as much as she tried to give my brother and I a good life (and don’t get me wrong at all, because she did. We had all we needed in life, and we had her love. I am more fortunate than many of the people I know, and I know this with all of my heart), there was always something eating away at my soul. It sounds “emo” and ridiculous, but all I could describe it at that time was a deep seeded darkness.
I was full of hatred, and anger, and fear, and sadness. Some of it, yes, was growing pains. All kids have this cycle of torment; hormones and the like, but this level of pain was more than I, or anyone around me, knew how to handle. Half the time I was told that I was just fine, or that it wasn’t believable that I was dealing with this kind of darkness. I had a great life. I had good grades. My teachers liked me…so on and so forth. I would grow out of it.
I never thought I would live to see 25. I guess the reason why I kept going was because it was the only thing I have control over. I took a step forward because it was a choice. It was my choice.
This thing eating at me, I had no choice with it. It wasn’t just a result of early childhood trauma, or young adult dramatics and hormones. This thing in me was real. I recognized it faster than any of the therapists and psychologists did. I recognized it as its own identity because it was. Because who I was when it embraced me, was different from the person who was able to shove it in a box for a day. Sometimes, it took a lot of acting to convince myself I would get through the day. Sometimes, it took a lot of active to convince others I would live through the day.
But living…living for me is a choice. It isn’t a right, or a privilege. I was brought into this world without a choice. I will leave this world without a choice. But living, living is a choice that is all mine and for years it has been a choice I’ve made every single day. That choice has brought me places far beyond my imagination. That choice has me see the sun rise, and set, every day. That choice got me out of bed, on a day I didn’t sleep, to go to a games I didn’t want to play, and led me to the girl I’ve fallen so deeply in love with that, and I have no doubt about this, I will marry.
Sometimes I wonder what will happen the day I stop taking the step forward. I wonder if it will be of my own accord or not, but that is a tale I cannot write, because I’m still walking. I’m walking because the unknown for me is more promising that what I’ve known. I step forward because it is my choice to, because stopping means I will end. Because some part of me is more afraid of the stopping, than it is continuing the fight. This is life…this is my life.
I get to see the sun rise every day. In the midst of all of the things this world does, of all the hurt and torment, of all the love and laughter, what better reason is there than that?