Day 23: Eating Crow, Missing Weddings, Friends, and Anger Triggers

Or would it be more of eating my shoe? I’m not quite sure but I did have some humble pie today….dear god with the clichés…

Sooo I lament to my co-worker all the time my ridiculous hours and how much I work. 16 hours straight here, 32 hours straight there, no sleep, 2 jobs (now down to one because I was getting so sick that I didn’t eat solid food for a week) and just all the woes of my 24-year-old life…

Now I know I can be, and often am, self-centered. My world does revolve around me, and my perspectives in many senses. I try to curb it because I am aware that although my world may revolve around me, the rest of the universe does not. But I use “I” a lot, I think out of years of never really focusing on me. Anyway, I was excited today because I had almost a full 8 hours of sleep. The sun was shining, birds chirping, celestial beings tanning on fluffy clouds, it has been glorious. Until I walked into work (on my normal day off btw) and an incident was occurring. I am not going to delve into any specifics, or even non-specifics about it, just that I didn’t walk into a calm setting.

45 minutes later found me happily chomping away on my homemade salad while my coworker worked on some last-minute details of said incident. We chatted like we always do, and I was making jokes about how much I work and how I just felt like being bitchy with my ex because she is incapable of ever checking her voice mails, which would have saved her from calling me in the middle of said incident because she would have known that I was heading into work…whatever…anyway as we chatted she mentioned her other jobs and it dawned on me like a pimp-slap to the face…My co-worker also worked 2 jobs, and works 7 days a week.

You know some ketchup really would have gone well with my meal of foot, crow and humility.

So, feeling every bit the asshole that I was, I apologized for complaining all the time. She was gracious as I proceeded to pull my foot out of my mouth, and explained that she was sympathetic to me because I did work the ridiculous hours I did, but I at least get a day off. I told her if I ever say something, or complain about something, and I was just being plain whiney…to just smack me over the head.  She is good people…

I think we all need trips to humility land to keep our asses in check. I feel like a jerk though…meh

Today was just a crazy day at work…alarms, phone calls, craziness all interrupting my normally quiet post. I’m grateful that I at least had gotten some sleep; even though The Great Ei’s phone did wake me up….let’s just talk about that crazy for a second…

She has the new touch-screen phone thing that I refuse to buy, but one of its perks is that you can’t accidentally butt-dial someone…But somehow her phone dialed mine today. I listened, laughing at the random conversation I was suddenly privy to until I decided to just hang up and call her back. I then got to explain to her that yes, you can’t butt dial with a touch phone, and yet here we were. She thinks her phone misses me…I just think my NY crew just misses me

So I got up and leisurely went about my day, enjoying the natural warmth that is currently filling my apartment. We have had some amazing weather the last week or so, every day is in the high 70’s low 80’s, and for a person who hates cold, I’ve been in my glory. But at the same time, it’s weird. It feels like it was such a long time ago that it was this warm, and for having to spend months on layers and blasting the heat, so have it be so warm is slightly discerning to me. There wasn’t a gradual warm up…one day it was 30 degrees, and the next day it was 60. It’s thrown me off a bit weather wise, and I’m always leery about sudden weather shifts…I mean I have moved to an area of the country that has experienced multiple tornadoes that range in the 3’s to 5’s on the Fajita scale. For now I’m going to enjoy the scenery and the warm sun. The winter depresses me severely…might explain my desire to be someplace where the sun shines all year-long.

So while I ate my cereal this morning, my eyes landed on a Save-the-Date magnet for my friend’s, we shall call her Library Gurl and him my Lesbro, wedding. It was yesterday. No I didn’t forget, that would make me a shitty friend…well…in a way I did forget. Not the actual date, but I had forgotten what day it was yesterday until I spoke with the Great Ei. But I did call to wish them all the luck and that I missed them terribly and I was sorry I couldn’t be there. I have never met such a gracious heart as Library Gurl, because I know some people who would not have forgiven me for not making it to their wedding. I wrote a poem for her and my Lesbro for their wedding that I promised I would perform for them when I eventually seem them again…which is slightly nerve-wracking because I haven’t performed in almost 3 years.

I keep promising recording to you guys as well…I should get on that…*sigh* I used to be somewhat known on my campus, there was a crew of us that would perform open mics and what-not….

My sister introduced me to Library Girl, at a summer party her friends always throw, a few years back and I immediately liked her. 1. She is absolutely gorgeous, just throwing that part out there hehehe, however, it was through various interests (facebook, books, English studies, Albany NY etc) that Library Gurl and I have formed a nice relationship. I even helped her learn how to throw a football last summer when Lesbro and I were bro-ing it out at the summer party. Library Gurl was hurt. It sucked that I couldn’t make it to their wedding. I love my Lesbro…him and I sat on the floor in his apartment talking about everything and anything, during a birthday party for their roommate, and apparently he doesn’t warm up to strangers that easy. He and L.G. are perfect for each other and I adore them.

I really wished I could have been there. Damn being 1200 miles away. I mean…1200 miles isn’t horrible. I could have driven a day, or flown. But I truly just didn’t have the cash. I don’t even have that amount open on any of my credit cards right now, and what I did have I used to surprise the fam for Christmas. But I could give her a call, so I did. She said she cried reading the poem and was so happy with it because it reflected the prompt she gave me (about Boudica…look her up it’s an interesting story), but still pertained to her wedding. I was just grateful she liked it.

That would be wedding number 2 that I have missed. I missed my oldest friend’s wedding a few months back, again because of distance and lack of cash. I was supposed to be in her wedding party, and my heart broke as I sat in my kitchen, crying into my beer as I watched the time tick by. These are important milestones in my friend’s lives and I hate missing them. Although I guess I do have a legitimate reason (I am several states away), but I’m known to not let anything get in the way of trying to be there for my friends. I mean, Charlatan and Devonshire (1st married of all my friends) called me up two weeks before their wedding and I made sure I had time off and that I got there in time (I left 3 hours early). That is what friends do, and granted they didn’t give me all that much notice, I did what was necessary.

It doesn’t mean that I am the perfect or ideal friend, but I try my best to support those who mean something to me. I try to stay in touch, even though I am the worst pen-pal on the planet. Facebook makes it easier, but I’m thinking of just deleting that crap. But everyone knows that my phone is with me 24/7. It comes with years of security work, and jobs that required full access to me outside of the office. My phone is always with me, and 99% of the time, fully charged. My sister hates it, because I would be constantly texting, or my phone was always going off. Actually I think she just hates a phone, and would complain that her friends texted me or called me more than her, but that was because I was reachable in the most convenient of ways.

Now I just sound like a slut heheh…Nah…I’m just the person you know you can reach at 4 in the morning. I’ve had people show up at my doorstep at 2 in the morning, because they knew I would be there for them. Sometimes it is inconvenient, and it sucks when you need help yourself and people scatter to the winds, but I don’t regret being this way. Although sometimes I just want to change my name and move to another country…Ireland to be specific, but people might find me there. One of these days I’m going to murder that Drama Llama and dance around its carcass with wild-eyed glee. Meh…

But friends are important to me, a little more-so than some family members. Real friends, the ones that will stand by your side even when you are being an ass, are few and far between and I have been blessed to have a few in my life. I don’t need to see them every day, but when I am really down and out, they show up to clean me up and kick my ass. But they aren’t mind-readers either, so this distance I have now with many of them has taught me how to actually verbalize what I am going through, or what I need from them. It’s an interesting growth within me and my relationships. I mean…how can anyone know I’m in trouble if I don’t tell them? How do they know if I am angry, or upset with them, if I don’t tell them?

I do shut down sometimes. I will disappear for months on end, in college I actually disappeared for almost 2 years. I still went to my obligations, but I dropped out of everything else I was involved with; it was during this time that I learned who my true friends really were. They were the ones who got in my face, showed me my own ugly, and made me feel beautiful. They called out my insecurities, and pushed me to better myself. Granted it took some time, but hey, I’m only 24, I know nothing….well…maybe not nothing…

I do know that it is not okay for someone to be treated like shit for no reason. I have this guy at my job who has been a jerk to me for weeks, and I’m now passed the hurt phase and full-blown into the “Well I hate you too” phase. But it makes me feel like someone put sand in my ice cream, or like I did in elementary school when someone pushed me or said something mean. It’s childish and ridiculous…and what is it about Corn-Country and passive aggressiveness? I mean New York has a corner in that market, but out here it’s phenomenal how passive aggressive people are. I actually miss some stranger screaming in my face about something I did, or didn’t do. I’d rather be told off by a coworker for being a bitch, then have someone pretend to be nice to me. If I did something wrong, tell me. Hell, tell me why you don’t like me. I’m grown; if I can’t take that then there is something seriously wrong with me. I had a girl call me fake to my face, and it snapped me out of my own passive-aggressive trend. Actually, it was that moment that first put a mirror to my face in regards to my hot/cold issues I was having. Learning experiences, I take them in all forms and colors.

But all he does is remind me about senior year of college when my teammate started treating me the same way, and when I confronted her about it she told me I knew what was wrong, and that she was an adult and didn’t need to discuss it with me….I hate it when girls pull that crap.

1. I didn’t know what I did, and if I was supposed to then I was sorry I didn’t.

2. An adult will handle a problem, and talk it out, not throw away a 5 year friendship.

If you do something to hurt me, or piss me off, I will let you know how I feel, and why. If you push me further, then I get even while telling you, and if you are my previous boss I make sure you lose your contract because no one deserves to be humiliated, degraded, and ostracized the way you made me and your employees feel. Just saying….yea I have some slight anger issues when it comes to those sort of things.

So, here I am…looking at a grown man…and all I can picture is a 5 year old having a temper tantrum. It’s hilarious, and sad. What is also sad is my knee-jerk reaction to call him a poopy-head, but in more adult language.

Since him and I work in the same area, but not for the same company, I’m just going to have a chat with my boss, because the ranting and grumbling I’ve done as a result of this hasn’t produced any results and is not helping the situation at all in retrospect..


Okay I’m done being a 5-year-old.

Question of the Day:

What makes you proud of yourself?

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