So I was called into work on my day off…well on both of my scheduled days off which means I won’t have a day off for 12 day…which I shouldn’t really be complaining about since others work 7 days a week or there are those who lost their job….

Insomnia has done a lot for my self-reflection skills. I’m still a selfish pratt at times, but at least I’m not ignorant enough to not realize that my life really isn’t as horrible as it could be. Although the Drama Llama has now set up residence with me….

I was woken up to a text message yesterday from my roommate who is now trying to convince me to let her out of the lease so she can save money by moving in with her boyfriend of a few months. She is willing to find a replacement, one that I approve of, but it is a stressor I really don’t need….especially since I stayed if fucking Corn-Country in part to honor the contract I made for this apartment, so I wasn’t leaving her in a lurch. I did play it off as “hey I made it out here so let’s just see what happens,” but I couldn’t in good conscience sign a contract and then renege on it….Although I am pissed because I did turn down a job offer that would have me move back to New York, to stay out here to 1. honor my commitment, and 2. try to succeed in a new place instead of running back home.

It would also break our lease agreement to let someone sublet, which I found out tonight when I finally found our lease agreement. I don’t need this headache and I am not looking forward to this conversation, which is a part of many conversations as of late for me.

I actually had my mom scoff at me when we were talking about expenses, and her telling me I had more money than she did. She truly did scoff…Okay I get it, I am currently making bank thanks to the ridiculous hours I work every week. But let me break it down….a few months ago…I was jobless. No job=no money…everything that was needed to be done was put on credit cards….Credit Cards=Debt…and considering I spent close to 2 g’s to move out here, let’s just say that I had a significant amount of red to deal with in my budget. Medical bills, late fees, fines, down payments, insurance, car payments, gas, internet, food, student loans, rent, utilities all = Red….

Which in turn is why I went from having 0 jobs to 4 jobs, and working 18 hour days/7 days a week. Then it went to 3 jobs, then 2, then 1…and all the while I have been chipping away at the Red in order to get to the black, to get even, but it has been slow because I am not stupid. The economy is still crap and my career choices have led me to civil service, which means I am not raking in the cash. Which, you know what? I am bloody okay with. I don’t need all the expensive gadgets and gizmos, although I am currently drooling over a new tattoo and a Saddleback Leather briefcase, but those are both expensive and treats. No. I know I have chosen a life that won’t be lucrative in the monetary sense, so yes I can’t complain about that. But I need to get my debt down and I need to have a safety net. I need to have something to keep me afloat in case of an emergency, because living out of my car for 2 weeks when I first moved out here is not something I ever plan to relive. So working my ass off for a paycheck I can’t even enjoy is what I need to do right now.

So yeah, maybe I do have money socked away. It doesn’t get touched. What is left over goes to bills. I get paid at 12:01 friday morning, and by 12:10 friday morning I am usually left with 50 dollars…enough for gas and food for 2 weeks. So no, I don’t go out. The last time I went to a bar was back in October, and my friend bought my drinks all night, because I frankly can’t afford this crap. I got sick, and I just laid in bed until the symptoms finally went away because I had to work the only time the free clinic was open. I don’t have health insurance because I can’t afford it. Yes, I have nice clothes…I worked for a retail store that gave me 50% off on clearance items.

I spent my life under the poverty line. I know what it is like to eat the same food over and over again because it is cheap, and to wear shoes until super-glue and tape fail to keep them together, or to have clothes horribly stained or worn until ruined. I know what it is like to not have food, or afford food. Yet I know, right now, I have lived a blessed life. I am lucky. I have a freezer that is full and a roof over my head. But I refuse to let anyone say I have money…..Angelina Jolie has money…I have bills.

I don’t handle it well when someone threatens to break what little control I have started to regain. I hate owing people anything, so having debt kills me to begin with, but to even dare sit there and say hey you have money, or to dip out on a deal…no way, you will meet the New Yorker in me and trust me, she ain’t pretty.

And back to the happy place. Aside from that text message my day went relatively well. A new company is taking over my job so we met with them today to start the transitioning over, which I hope goes smooth because I can’t take anymore bullshit right now. It didn’t help that I forgot the passwords for the computers today at work, and then almost forgot my password for my blog. It’s just been a mind-mess, which is why I am happily typing away while munching on an Mexican brand Lime ice pop that cost me about 10 cents an ice pop so it was worth the splurge last week. But the new company offers significant mobility around the country, and I am hoping for another opportunity to move.

Don’t get me wrong…I just loooove Corn-country, totally my favorite place to be……..

yea no, I’m thinking Oregon, Seattle, St. Louis…Hawaii….Jupiter hehehe I have moved a grand total of 18 times since pre-school. I don’t stick in one place for too long. It’s why I have stories, and randomness. But I want to see this world, and I will do what it takes to do that. But I know it takes money, and since I am not from an affluent family I am trying my damnedest to save as much money as I can to afford said movements. I’d rather be poor and happy, than rich and miserable, was my motto in high school…and I still somewhat go by it. I can live on very little. I once managed to make 5 bucks last me a week and a half, but in order to do that I need to get rid of some of these chains on me.

“Why don’t you finish your book and sell it?”

God I wish my writing for my novel is as easy as writing for my blog is. I’ll eventually figure it out. I just need to calm my hot mess right now and take deep breaths. I’m too worked up about money, always have. Just deep soothing breaths…

I actually need to sleep…I shouldn’t have eaten that last Lime ice pop and I have “Don’t Rain On My Parade” stuck in my head. I just want to start living instead of existing….I want a girlfriend, or a boyfriend, or maybe just a friend. I kind of need one right now, and I would reach out to my NY people but our schedules just don’t mesh and I need someone to hold me and remind me that I am not losing my mind. That forgetting passwords isn’t that big of a deal, and that I am being smart with my money , and one day I will figure out my life.

Until that day when I realize I am not what the world sees me…..and things are not as dramatic ( I seriously wonder why I wasn’t a part of the theater programs in school).

Question of the day:

What is your favorite ice pop flavor?